Misplaced expectations

As a child, we expect our parents to put us first, to make decisions for us that will be for our benefit, above what they want for themselves. It’s what a parent does, right?

Hoping that will happen can be our biggest disappointment that may result in misplaced expectations if we don’t learn to let go. It’s not something a child should have to deal with. Being a parent I know how important it is for me to make decisions that benefit my children.

Wishing for things that we want to happen, which we know deep down will never happen with a parent, will only serve to make us more stressed, not to mention frustrated. If these issues are yours, then perhaps it’s time to focus on the people who matter and who will make a difference in your life.

It’s easy to live in the hope that one-day our parents will change and do what’s right for us so that we get to live the life we want to live. Unfortunately, that may not happen and we cannot expect anyone, even our parents to change, if they don’t want to change.

It’s important to be honest with them so that we tell them how we feel and what we need them to do for us, or if that’s not forthcoming then think about the possibility of emotionally supporting ourselves. In these circumstances, it’s often us who must do the changing.

From my own experiences, we either learn to accept our circumstances; concentrate on the people we can rely on; or choose to emotionally change the way we perceive our circumstances.

17 Dec, 2013

6 thoughts on “Misplaced expectations

  1. I think my parents did a good job at making the right decisions for me, but I also think they went over board due to my illness.

    They held me back from being a normal kid and teen and even tried to make decisions for me when I was a late teen and into my 20’s.

    I make my own decisions now and I also depend on my husband to help me make those decisions.

    1. Thanks Lisa. As parents we must be selfless and always act in the best of interest of our children. Isn’t that what parenting is about?

      I’m not sure I can see that illness has anything to do with it. Some parents (not all) just find it easier to act in their own best interests.

      Of course when you and I were growing up there was little known about what we both dealt with; but I’m not sure why that would have to stop any parent doing what’s right by their children, even if they do have something they’re dealing with. (in some circumstances it of course can depend on the severity of the problem).

      In my case mild CP didn’t make me incapable and in your case having Diabetes didn’t make you incapable either. It seems so wrong.

      I’m so pleased though that you’re able to do things differently now and that’s great.

  2. I agree 100% with this post. How nice would it be if we all had parents that put their children first.

    I try to do that and I hope I get it right more than I get it wrong.

    1. Thank you. I think we never really know, but knowing how our children turn our as adults goes some way for us to acknowledge how well we think we’ve done.

      I think we’d have better relationships with our parents if parents put their children first. I know that is true for me. It seems to be a sad indictment of society today, for some parents but not all.

  3. Yes, I have wasted so much time hoping my parents would change their ways!

    By the end of it, the most I really wanted was some type of apology at least from them but they always blamed each other for the childhood that we had. My biggest irritation over the years has been people saying that they did the best they could with what they had.

    I honestly think sometimes that we would have been better off if we had gone into foster care or lived with family. They quite often wanted to help us out but I was told recently that there were many times they didn’t even know where we were.

    It has caused me to have a very difficult time in really learning how to ask for what I really want or need in life. I always had such low expectations of people that I didn’t really know, how to even relate to them on a deep level.

    My daughter was the first one I connected so deeply with and even then it wasn’t enough to defeat the demons in my mind! I wanted so badly to be a great father which I did for a time, but by not fighting to do the right thing for her and me, she lost out on having the father she deserved.

    The one thing I learned from my childhood was that it was easier to give up than fight for what I wanted.
    I could go on for quite a while but I know I can’t change the past. It just haunts me quite often which can be very devastating if I dwell on it for too long.

    I just have to try to remember that I am only human. Hopefully I can do the best I can now especially for my daughter who still wants me to be a part of her life! I just have to remember to try to focus on what I have now rather than what I don’t.

    1. Thanks Randy. You’re absolutely right. It’s a lot easier to give up than fight for what we want, but we have to continue to try.

      You clearly have a good relationship with your daughter; I’m not sure I would worry too much. If you didn’t, I am sure your daughter would have already turned her back on your relationship with her.

      Our children know what we deal with, even if we don’t talk things through with them. They learn very quickly. It’s just a shame you never had a good enough relationship with your parents. I know how you feel. You cannot change that, but you can continue to make a difference for your daughter.

      I’m so pleased for you Randy.

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