As soon as something different happens and I go through a new experience, whether it’s my own experience or that of a family member, I begin to think about my own life and what could have been.
I still find it difficult that my choices have never been my own. I never got to experience anything. It’s for these thoughts and thoughts like these to become a focal point, particularly when our children grow and begin to experience things for themselves.
I have always encouraged them to make their own choices. I think that is why I am having a tough time accepting that my life has always been based on my father’s choices, literally. I would always come back to these thoughts. I hate that I continually go back to them, but don’t seem to be able to stop myself.
With encouragement, I may have travelled, seen the world a little bit and met different people. Perhaps I’m now grieving for the choices I didn’t get to make, the places I didn’t get to see, the relationships I didn’t get to make, or the new experiences.
The CP Diary is my choice and I am grateful for it. My blogs continue to give me clarity of my life. I get to question and reason with my thoughts daily and that helps me work through my childhood, my earlier adult years up to this point.
I know I am lucky to have it. That’s never taken for granted.