As soon as something different happens and I go through a new experience, whether it’s my own experience or that of a family member, I begin to think about my own life and what could have been.
I still find it difficult that my choices have never been my own. I never got to experience anything. It’s for these thoughts and thoughts like these to become a focal point, particularly when our children grow and begin to experience things for themselves.
I have always encouraged them to make their own choices. I think that is why I am having a tough time accepting that my life has always been based on my father’s choices. I would always come back to these thoughts. I am struggling with continually going back to them.
With support and encouragement I may have seen the world a little different. I’ve had to work things out myself. Perhaps I’m grieving for the loss of a life, not being able to choose for myself, the relationships I didn’t get to make, or the new experiences.
The CP Diary is my choice and I am grateful for it. My blogs continue to give me clarity on my life. I get to question and reason with my thoughts daily and that helps me work through my childhood, my adult years up to this point.
I know I am lucky to have it. That’s never taken for granted.