Missing out

As soon as something different happens and I go through a new experience, whether it’s my own experience or that of a family member,  I begin to think about my own life and what could have been.

I still find it difficult that my choices have never been my own. I never got to experience anything. It’s for these thoughts and thoughts like these to become a focal point, particularly when our children grow and begin to experience things for themselves.

I have always encouraged them to make their own choices. I think that is why I am having a tough time accepting that my life has always been based on my father’s choices, literally. I would always come back to these thoughts. I hate that I continually go back to them, but don’t seem to be able to stop myself.

With encouragement, I may have travelled, seen the world a little bit and met different people. Perhaps I’m now grieving for the choices I didn’t get to make, the places I didn’t get to see, the relationships I didn’t get to make, or the new experiences.

The CP Diary is my choice and I am grateful for it. My blogs continue to give me clarity of my life. I get to question and reason with my thoughts daily and that helps me work through my childhood, my earlier adult years up to this point.

I know I am lucky to have it. That’s never taken for granted.


18 Aug, 2012

6 thoughts on “Missing out

  1. I usually wonder what it would have been like if things ‘could have been,’ but for me it’s best if I just carry on and not worry about the past.

    1. It’s an incredibly mature way of looking at your circumstances.

      I think coming to any decision is half the battle. It’s good you’ve made your decision about your past. I probably wouldn’t be so hung up on this particular issue if I had have more control on my past. I’m working on it.

  2. I can relate in so many ways Ilana.

    I didn’t get to experience things like the normal kids did, so I think about things when my kids get to do things I didn’t.

    Having you for a friend has helped me a lot and having your site also helps. Thank you.

    1. You’re welcome. I am really happy that my site helps you.

      I am pleased to say the thought didn’t last long… it was an observation on the back of my children’s holiday. I’m sure that thought won’t be my last as they get to experience new things.

      I’m pleased for them, just sad I didn’t get to have my own experiences growing up. Feel for you too Lisa.

  3. I know I have wasted far too many years of my life dwelling on all the mistakes I have made,and decisions that I should have made for my own life.

    There are times when I still have those old tapes playing, with my parents constantly badgering me about how I should live my life and who I should live it with.

    I just know that if I don’t let go of the past, it will continue to haunt me and the rest of my life will be a total waste!

    1. I understand you but wouldn’t be too hard on yourself! Perhaps you didn’t agree with what your mother wanted for you, so found it hard to go along with her thoughts or decisions.

      Now would be a good time to rewrite those history books and change what is to what can and will be. Most of us will have a past we’re not altogether proud of, but I still believe as long as we change how we perceive our present and future life, that will help us emotionally move on from our past.

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