Mum’s intimations

I know my mum’s illness brought her to a place where she knew she could intimate about my disability with no recourse to herself. I never consciously made the connections with her words, but that’s all it would take for my journey to begin.

I remember thinking at the time it seemed a little odd and out of character for her, it was as if she was trying to unburden herself. Now with the bigger picture in front of me that is exactly what she was trying to do.

She knew about my disability but was never in a position to be able to do anything about it. She simply bided her time until she knew she could. I never consciously honed in on it because there would simply have been no point.

Therefore, mum telling me ‘it was a difficult birth’ was her being able to bring my disability into the equation for the first time. It’s something I’ve now had to accept, but I know she never gave up trying.

4 Feb, 2020

4 thoughts on “Mum’s intimations

  1. You’re very lucky that your mother tried to come clean with you, as my mother never admitted to anything and always blamed it on my Dad.

    She never shared much of anything about what our births may have been like, so we’ll never really know. I never made the connection between what she went through at a state mental hospital, as far as shock treatments etc, to what we went through as children, until later on in life after dealing with my own mental health issues.

    We only found out a few years before her passing that she had the mentality of a 10 year old, which made sense of so many things; but it still doesn’t make up for what we went through as children.

    It makes it easier to accept and be able to move on.

  2. I never thought about it in that way. Thanks Randy. Yes, it is only when we go through our own issues that we begin to equate others’ issues.

    It must have been hard for you as a child to go through what you went through, around your mum who struggled with mental health issues, in the way that she did.

    It doesn’t change what you went through, but it does give you understanding of your life in those times. When you say, ‘it does make it easier to accept and to be able to move on’ yes, as long as we have the understanding.

  3. Your mum did what she could, when she could and that is all you could ask.

    She knew you would listen to her carefully considered words and that it would be the start of your journey to discovering your disability, and she is probably proudly looking down on you now, saying ‘that’s my girl!’

    1. Thanks. I also believe mum will be proudly looking down on me. What she struggled to say this side of life, but I am sure she’ll be saying and seeing my achievements the other side.

      I agree with you, she did what she could. She put it right for me when she knew the time was right. Her knowing is something she lived with for years. It was difficult for us both.

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