My anxiety struggles

I have always dealt with anxiety ever since I was a small child and although I didn’t know that is what it was, sadly no one thought to ask the question or do anything about it.

What I didn’t know was that my anxiety was because of neurological difficulties brought about through damage to my cerebral cortex, the part of the brain that deals with the emotions. The bad thoughts, talking myself into things and having to talk myself back out of those things. My environment and dealing with fear, were also part of that scenario.

I remember my struggles as if they were yesterday. It makes me angry to even think about it. Understanding it all now doesn’t make it any easier, if anything it makes me more uncomfortable knowing that those I confided in could have helped me. I’m now having to do that on my own.

It’s not surprising then that every now and again, something comes into my head and I take a few steps back. The enormity of what I’ve had to deal with and continually have to deal with around anxiety, continues to add to my anxiety. It never really goes away. It’s a vicious circle, one that I don’t always have control over.

It’s the little voice in my head that I have to compete with that says unkind things, the panic, the fear, no resolve and sometimes not always feeling in control that I struggle with the most.

29 Apr, 2018

4 thoughts on “My anxiety struggles

  1. I can understand why you would be angry when you think about your anxiety sometimes, since it sounds like one of the many things that wasn’t addressed in your life.

    I’m pretty sure that they would have noticed it in school in this day and age, seeing as they do seem to acknowledge anxiety issues that kids have nowadays.

    Both of us seemed to have fallen through the cracks, seeing as we went to school during a totally different era when so many issues were simply overlooked.

    My parents never really seemed to notice any of our issues and even if they had, I doubt they would have done much about it. Your parents obviously knew about your issues and made the conscious decision to act like they didn’t exist.

    It just really sucks seeing as both of us had to learn how to adapt to deal with our issues all on our own, which is why I often use the term, ‘we were thrown to the wolves’ to describe what it was like.

    I was watching a movie last night about teenagers getting revenge on their high school bullies and it sent me right back to the hell that I went through with being ostracized and bullied mercilessly.

    Part of me felt bad for enjoying it so much, but then I remember that’s why I have so many wonderful issues like PTSD and social anxiety.

    People are so very oblivious to how that behavior affects others, which was pretty much the point of the whole movie. They wanted them to know what it felt like when someone treats you like crap for no real good reason.

    I just know, for me, that it would have been nice not to have that little voice in my head that chatters on, thanks to the people who thought my misery was so funny.

    1. Yes, it’s certainly not funny or right Randy, but neither of us can do anything about it now.

      I remember my struggles around my learning and physical disabilities in school more than being bullied, but anxiety is something I grew up with.

      The only time it went away was when I managed to keep myself busy and my attention was on other things. I agree that it wasn’t right that we both had to deal with our anxiety on our own.

      It’s a parents job to make sure their children have the tools to be able to work through something like anxiety. I still struggle with it today.

  2. Any struggle a child experiences should be addressed by their parent. If left, even a small problem, can become distressing for a child, even more so when that problem is founded on a neurological condition.

    It is a parent’s job to make sure their child is safe and continuing to read that your experiences were the opposite, is very sad indeed.

    1. Yes, you really couldn’t make what happened to me in the way it happened up, but I’m choosing not to hang on to the negativity surrounding my experiences.

      Instead I am choosing to use my experiences to help myself bring closure and to help others understand their own journey, whilst finding a way way to overcome my anxiety issues.

      It is hard and sad at the same time, because my anxiety is brought about through my neurological impairments.

      It’s not always easy for me to find a way through.

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