I was always aware my eyes made me different. There was just something about my eyes I didn’t like. Fast forward to January 2019 and with autism testing safely behind me, it’s in the eyes and the facial muscles.
Now with a year into my autism diagnosis, I’ve still got some mental catching up to do. But as a child, it’s something I would often go back to, something I never quite understood, something that seemed obvious.
The more I challenge myself to get past how I got to know about autism, the more it’s a challenge. I know when it comes to the communication and social setting side of autism, it isn’t something I can conquer or defeat and that me just trying to fit in, is difficult. They must fit into my life.
I find it difficult to look at myself in photographs. My eyes and face tell a different story. My face is expressionless with no animated smile. My facial muscles are wired all wrong. It would be difficult to gage from my face how I feel. The term they use is ‘blunt affect’ which is common for those like me on the spectrum.
Considering I only found out that I had autism at age 56, like my cerebral palsy nemesis, autism is also my nemesis, it is the reason I hate myself in photos, and because I am continually being judged.
It is also the reason I missed out on all my milestones, but it does allow me to write and that’s a triumph. I am thankful for that.