My autism nemesis

I was always aware my eyes made me different. There was just something about my eyes I didn’t like. Fast forward to January 2019 and with autism testing safely behind me, it’s in the eyes and the facial muscles.

Now with a year into my autism diagnosis, I’ve still got some mental catching up to do. But as a child, it’s something I would often go back to, something I never quite understood, something that seemed obvious.

The more I challenge myself to get past how I got to know about autism, the more it’s a challenge. I know when it comes to the communication and social setting side of autism, it isn’t something I can conquer or defeat and that me just trying to fit in, is difficult. They must fit into my life.

I find it difficult to look at myself in photographs. My eyes and face tell a different story. My face is expressionless with no animated smile. My facial muscles are wired all wrong. It would be difficult to gage from my face how I feel. The term they use is ‘blunt affect’ which is common for those like me on the spectrum.

Considering I only found out that I had autism at age 56, like my cerebral palsy nemesis, autism is also my nemesis, it is the reason I hate myself in photos, and because I am continually being judged.

It is also the reason I missed out on all my milestones, but it does allow me to write and that’s a triumph. I am thankful for that.


11 Mar, 2020

2 thoughts on “My autism nemesis

  1. Yes, it’s also called ‘flat affect’ and something I came to know well when dealing with my niece.

    It took a lot for her to have any reaction to things going on around her. I imagine that I could relate in a lot of ways since I have had to deal with the same issue, except mine stemmed from being desensitized by such a traumatic childhood.

    People expect you to have certain reactions to events going on around you. The sad part is that it covers both sides of the spectrum seeing as you don’t often feel the good things either, and usually end up not feeling anything at all either way.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, it is always difficult being different. But when you say, ‘the sad part is that it covers both sides of the spectrum seeing as you don’t often feel the good things either’ – you’re absolutely spot on.

      Finding out I had a disability years on after my initial diagnosis as a child, I always thought my inability to feel was down to cerebral palsy.

      OMG, how does getting to this place and what I know now work?

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