My bitter sweet life

Life for me has been bitter sweet, bitter because I’ve had to  fumble my way through the dark and those times were difficult and sweet because my mum telling me my birth was difficult, catapulted me into a new life and I haven’t looked back.

I understand why she had to keep my disability a secret. Selfless to the end, because even through a terminal illness, she still wanted me to know, when she could have easily passed without telling me anything at all.

Not talking about my disability wasn’t something she would have chosen to keep to herself. She worked tirelessly with me, to help me with my exercises. That was her way of trying to help me, without being able to tell me.

That must have been difficult for her, it would always be harder for me. I don’t want to choose to see this negatively. Instead, I will continue to bring understanding into the equation.


1 Jul, 2019

4 thoughts on “My bitter sweet life

  1. It’s hard to not be bitter when you know that your life could have turned out differently if you had known what your issues were.

    I had a rough idea of what mine were, but with the way my parents made me feel when asking for help, it’s no wonder I never asked, until it was too late.

    It royally sucks when you know you were forced to suffer through life, because other people forced you to ignore your own issues because they chose to ignore theirs.

    People act so horrified when you speak ill of your parents, but they can’t even begin to comprehend what it was like growing up that way.

    It would have been great if both of us got the help we needed, when we needed it.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, today’s blog reinforces my understanding and having pieced my life together I know exactly where the blame lies.

      It may be that when you work through everything you know about your own experiences, you are able to separate one parent from the other. It’s important we give our parents a fair trial.

      It doesn’t take away from your experiences or the struggles you went through, but it does help you put your experiences into context.

      I am thankful I have the diary to help me do that. That said, I hope my blogs also give you clarification on your own experiences.

  2. “I don’t want to choose to see things negatively.” You made me do some serious thinking with that statement, Ilana.

    You didn’t see everything with your eyes or feel everything with your heart, but you heard your mother whispering in your ear. She is a faithful angel.

    1. Thanks Tim. Through my words I open my own eyes. It is because of mum that I have been able to move forward with my life. She was instrumental in my diagnosis, my website and soon to be published book.

      I believe she absolutely is, too. Thanks for pointing it out Tim.

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