My diagnosis

When I first considered finding out what was wrong with me, I remember feeling pleased that for the first time in my life I was going to have an answer on what I had been dealing with for all those years.

I could finally jigsaw and start to piece my childhood together, because they were very difficult years. Knowing that I’m living with the consequences of someone else making a mistake isn’t what I had in my mind all those years ago.

Because I knew nothing as a child, I was keen to know what I had, but I never equated that knowing would one day lead to finding out that I have Cerebral Palsy. Had I have been told I had Cerebral Palsy as a child I wouldn’t have known my Cerebral Palsy was a mistake.

I would have simply been told the diagnosis by a doctor, unless of course my parents wanted to know why I was born with Cerebral Palsy. Over the years and through my own research piecing everything together, I now know for definite my Cerebral Palsy was a consequence of someone else making a mistake.

To be told I have Cerebral Palsy is one thing, but for me to know it could have been prevented, is another.

2 Apr, 2014

6 thoughts on “My diagnosis

  1. This must be very hard for you, especially after all these years.

    Unfortunately medical practices in the 1960s were very different to now and doctors put themselves beyond reproach. There was a air of being untouchable in those days. Thankfully things have changed so much.

    With your understanding and insight you must take comfort in knowing this was your path and without it you would not be doing what you do. You can take great strength from that as difficult as this realisation is for you.

    1. It is immensely hard for me but I think you’re right. Your last paragraph resonates with me. This is my path, I was meant to do this whilst helping other people in the process.

      It’s time to let go of the old thoughts about how I got to have CP and instead continue to concentrate on the positive aspects of my life, such as my writing.

  2. I think some things are just meant to be. You wouldn’t be helping people out if it hadn’t turned out this way.

    My son’s problems are due to a mistake that his parents made, but if he hadn’t been born we wouldn’t be blessed with this child. So many people’s lives would have been different.

    We can’t look back and change things, but we can accept how things are and make the most of it.

    1. Thanks Lisa. The hard part for me has been finding out my CP was brought about because of another person’s mistake and taking so long to find out that I had CP.

      If these issues had have been tackled when I was a child, I would have already found a level of acceptance on both. It’s probably that part I’m struggling with more than the issues themselves.

      As you say we can’t look back and change things, but we can accept how things are and that’s what I intend to do.

  3. Yes, nothing worse than a parent’s betrayal on top of finding out the problem could have been avoided! I’m sure that makes it twice as hard when you start running all the “What if’s?” through your head.

    I’m sure it has come up for my own daughter when she has to deal with so many CP issues! We never did question what happened when she was born and there are times that I wish we had. I’m constantly running my own version of the “What If’s?” in my head which can be torturous.

    My friend and I actually had this discussion today and I was reminded of the lengths that my mother went to, so I wouldn’t admit my issues. It was such a nightmare since she would change her tactics from day to day, to break my spirit. I really think she had Munchausen’s syndrome, where she would turn around and act like I was so sick and then get upset when she didn’t get all the attention!

    We could sit for 3 hours having coffee and cover so many bases. I just can’t fathom why some people even bother having children when they don’t really want to take care of them. It sounds like you went through some of the same things, so you can probably really understand what I’m saying!

    In this day and age, with so many birth control options, there’s no excuse for an “unwanted pregnancy!” They really should have tests for people to see if they qualify to be parents!

    1. Yes we’ve both been through hard times Randy. I can resonate with you. I know my father had a problem with perfection and me being born with CP (although I didn’t know it then) made me less than perfect and he couldn’t deal with that.

      I genuinely believe parents don’t start out not wanting to have and help their children. I believe in some small way, we’re all scarred from childhood (and I mean that with the utmost respect), on an unconscious level, and whatever we’ve had to deal with stops us from caring and looking after our children, the way we should.

      That said, there is no excuse and there can be no excuse. For us to parent as we are parented, means the cycle will continue. Some of us aren’t that lucky, but if we can at least understand why something was done the way it was, we’re more likely to work to change things for ourselves.

      There was never a time that I didn’t stop trying to find out. My problem was never discussed or aired by my family unless I brought it up; but that’s fine because it eventually brought me to this place.

      We cannot turn back time with our parents, but we can change our perceptions on our experiences for ourselves and our own children. It looks like we’ve both managed that.

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