My Dissociation Disorder

This disorder is something else I never made the connections that me switching off from my difficulties, particularly as a child was me dissociating from my experiences. It was something I continually did.

Dissociation is a mental process whereby we disconnect from our thoughts, feelings, memories, or from our sense of identity. It’s a coping and defence mechanism. I would often lose myself in a daydream and remember thinking how normal that was. The reality is that it was far from normal.

It’s a means of being able to escape from reality in ways that are unhealthy and involuntary.  It develops as a reaction to a difficult life where trauma is involved, and for us to help keep difficult memories at bay. A person may choose to dissociate from their circumstances, memories, feelings of trauma, or victimisation.

But where Dissociation allows us to escape from the horrors associated with our experiences, it can also can make it difficult for us to remember the details of our experiences later on, primarily because we’ve blocked the trauma out.

In my own case, as I began to peel back the layers on my experiences, I was able to identify and work through those experiences piece by piece. I hadn’t blocked them out, I merely put them somewhere so I could protect myself and so that I didn’t own those experiences. 

I think it’s important we refer back to our experiences, even the most difficult ones, because without referring back and dealing with those experiences we will never emotionally or spiritually grow.

I couldn’t write about each experience through my blogs, without being able to remember the experiences to my past.

10 Dec, 2018

4 thoughts on “My Dissociation Disorder

  1. Now that you mention it, this is something I’m surprised that they haven’t diagnosed for me.

    I imagine it ties into my PTSD from the traumatic experiences I went through. It may have been a defense mechanism to save my sanity as a child, but when you become an adult it becomes counterproductive, seeing as it cuts you off from feeling anything at all.

    I have spent most of my life feeling numb where I wasn’t feeling anything at all, good or bad. I’m great at pretending to look like I’m happy or sad, or whatever the moment requires, but being connected to those emotions, it really hasn’t been there, which has left my life very empty.

    It dawned on me when I was watching a movie with a girl once, who was a sociopath, who was great at acting like she had feelings but freely admitted that she pretty much felt nothing.

    My childhood was a nightmare on a daily basis so this makes a lot of sense, since you put a label on it and is definitely something I need to work on. It was the only way I was able to rescue my daughter with the issues that I have, but I haven’t really felt much of anything since.

    Once my PTSD gets triggered and I end up dissociating, I can pretty much do anything without feel any emotions connected to the situation.

    Like people who enjoy being alive which is something, I would like to learn how to enjoy being alive, in what time I have left.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, it’s good when there is an understanding and we have clarity. I feel so much better for knowing. I use my experiences to challenge my thinking to find the answers that I need.

      It has only taken me 55 years to bring about this new understanding. I’m pleased that my blog brings understanding for you also.

      It’s important we don’t rely on the condition, but we work around our behaviour traits. It’s easy to say I have the condition and do nothing to challenge how we feel. We must always work on our emotions.

      The condition is a coping mechanism for when you need to cope. As a child it works, as an adult our life moves on and we must find ways to challenge our feelings, so that we can live more productively and so that we don’t rely on the old negative patterns, we relied on as a child.

  2. Life is a jittery dance into the unknown, that’s pretty stressful. So I don’t see anything wrong with adopting coping mechanisms like disassociation to avoid anxiety and panic; it’s a pretty safe mental setting.

    1. Thanks Tim. Yes, dissociating is a comforting place that protects us from the mental clutter, brought about through trauma, neglect and abuse. It also helps with anxiety as you say.

      I believe it can help with depression, but we must be encouraged to think about how we feel, rather than shut our feelings off. I have done most of my thinking through dissociation.

      It’s interesting and nothing to be scared of. It allows us to escape when we physically can’t. It’s beneficial because we get to control how long we dissociate for and when we choose to do it. It helps us bring about peace.

      That changes of course when we have to come back in.

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