My emotional deficits

Due to the nature of my cerebral palsy and the damage around my cerebral cortex, I know I am more mentally and emotionally disabled, than I am physically.

The cerebral cortex controls both motor function and emotions, and in my case my motor skills and physical disability are relatively mild. The main issues revolve around my inability to feel emotions and my sensory issues.

There is no easy way to deal with a disability. Where one person might struggle, another with similar symptoms may not, but how we mentally think around our disability and the nature of what a disability is and how it can make us feel day to day, can make it hard for us to fit in. I don’t think one element is harder than the other, I just think they’re different.

I talk about my intuition a lot because I use that as compensation for my lack of mental acumen because of my disability. I use it in the context of my emotions and to gauge or anticipate how others might feel, or think. I also use it to read other people’s emotions and manage my thoughts constructively. I say thoughts, rather than feelings, because that is what they are. They’re just thoughts.

The extensive damage to the cerebral cortex means I struggle with my emotional feelings, as they are impaired. Also, because of my autism it is easy for me to lock myself away. Inevitably I retreat into my own little world. My intuition acts as my guide and helps me work things out where my brain isn’t able to do it.

I choose to adapt, to try to find acceptance with everything I deal with. Life becomes harder if I don’t. I must fit my life around my disability, as others must try to fit into mine.


15 Dec, 2016

8 thoughts on “My emotional deficits

  1. I respectfully believe that you feel my heart and the pulse of your readers every single day, intuition doesn’t do that.

    So your story actually began with your feelings, when you blew breath into the depth of your emotions; that’s why we love what you stand for.

    1. Thanks Tim. Yes, out of all my blogs, this has been the most difficult one for me to write. I know what it is to struggle and understand compassion, because I didn’t have compassion given to me as a child.

      What I’m struggling with here, wouldn’t be something that’s easily understood. But it does makes sense that the part of my brain that deals with feelings and emotions is damaged and therefore I have an impairment there.

      I have learned how to ‘blow breath into the depth of my emotions’ and am able to empathise and provide deep support through my heightened senses. They enable me to feel the heart and pulse of my readers. I love that I can.

      I tend to reconcile with myself that if the Cerebral Cortex wasn’t damaged, I would most likely be more disabled physically.

  2. This must have been a very difficult to write and yet at the same time, a very cathartic one too.

    You write a lot about the importance of understanding ourselves and who we are and this blog will help you come to terms and comprehend yourself perhaps more than any other.

    You mention it being another piece in the jigsaw, this is like finding the corner pieces, as without it; it would not be possible to contemplate completing the picture.

    1. Yes, this blog was enormously difficult for me to write, you’re right and it was the most important in terms of me understanding what I deal with.

      I originally found a quote about disability that reinforced what I felt that helped me put this blog into context. It took me a longer to write this blog, because I was concerned about other people’s thoughts and perceptions of what I deal with.

      Over the years through my spiritual teachings and intuition, I have come to understand how other people must feel and so I utilise those observations, through my writing and both of those help me compensate for my lack of feelings.

      I know that if my emotional feelings weren’t comprised, I would feel what others feel, but that I would still write in the same way. I’ve just found a different way to compensate and be.

  3. wow! Just wow! Great blog Ilana. My dad and I were talking about my disability and I broke down crying, telling him I feel like I’ve let him and my mom down. I’ve failed my kids, my husband. I told him I felt him and my mom wasted their time keeping me alive and fighting the doctors, when they were happy to let me go.

    I was heartbroken telling him this. I told him I can’t live up to their expectations including societies. He said he was sorry and couldn’t believe I felt this way. Everyone expects me to go to work, when it’s apparent I can’t stand on my feet for 10 minutes or less. Very frustrating and depressing.

    But I have to accept that not every one will see my side and what we as a community struggle with. Since I’m not in a wheelchair or walker (yet) every one thinks and expects us to have the ability to do what they all can do and it’s so wrong and discriminating.

    He said he noticed I’m ‘failing’ physically and don’t have the stamina I used to have a year ago. After doing research on MD, I’ve read the person who has it, will find themselves being unable to do what they could do a year before, so it makes sense to me.

    1. Aww thanks Bonnie. You haven’t let anyone down. I can’t stress that enough. You didn’t ask to be born let alone be born with a disability that you had no control over, in the same way I had no control over my disability.

      This is not your issue to carry. As far as society is concerned, it doesn’t make society right, or matter what they think. Society and people will always have their opinions of us. There will also always be expectations placed upon us, but you’re exempt because you’re different. You can’t be expected to conform because of what you deal with. The pressure is off.

      I think if you ask your parents, they will tell you, you are the best thing they’ve ever done, particularly as they could have lost you, but have gained so much with you being in their lives. You have an amazing spirit, given your disability and what you deal with; with a determination to match and succeed in your own way. Their lives would be less rich without you in it.

      As for yourself Bonnie, perhaps it’s time to start seeing yourself differently. You’re as good as the next and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Please don’t let others make how other see you, about you.

    1. Thanks Bonnie. I know how you feel. In my formative years how you felt was exactly how I felt. No problem. I’m here for you anytime.

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