My emotional growth

The way it usually happens, is that we learn through growing up and maturity everything there is to know about ourselves, ready to embark on new relationships.

We learn about our likes and dislikes, what irritates us, what makes us laugh, what makes us happy and what makes us sad, what makes us, us. We become independent thinkers, independent in our right and are ready for the challenge a new relationship brings. That’s the order of how it works.

Having grown we’re comfortable with the concept and the challenge of moving on. Having my specific brain damage, meant I didn’t have access to the usual emotional thought patterns and ability to grow. It would go on to take some 25 years to learn about myself for the first time, what makes me and how I actually function. It would also take me the same amount of time to learn about myself in my relationship and that part hasn’t been easy.

I liken it to being in a coma, waking up not knowing anything and having to learn everything from scratch, although in my case I wasn’t having to relearn everything, I was having to learn everything for the first, including what it meant to have neurological symptoms and how those symptoms would play out in my life, then in my relationship.

The hard part going into a relationship and not knowing things about yourself is that you end up growing up in the relationship and thinking differently about everything, as you find out new things about yourself.

The person that went into the relationship all those years ago isn’t the person now. My ideals and aspirations have completely changed because I’ve had to grow up. It has brought about a different thinking and maturity, through new circumstances.

I’m now not only older and more informed, coming through those late experiences; but I’m also emotionally and spiritually more mature on how I see life and that changes a person.

I now have less tolerance or patience for the petty stuff.


25 Sep, 2016

4 thoughts on “My emotional growth

  1. You did a little more than just live your life Ilana, you explored it. Always searching for facts not fiction, light not dark. You were starved for the truth and you didn’t stop until your life looked very different.

    That’s growth, but it’s also audacious, the way you went about studying your challenges; I witnessed it, very up-close.

    1. Thanks Tim. I’m pleased you have witnessed my journey close up.

      It’s a journey I decided to take, primarily because it helps me get my thoughts and experiences out into the open in a way that brings understanding on my life and experiences and I felt that needed to happen.

      Those thoughts also allow others to explore their own lives and experiences, so that they too can challenge their own perceptions on what they deal with. Unless these things are pointed out to us, it’s not something we always see for ourselves.

  2. We all grow up at different stages in out lives, to varying degrees. What is unique about your experience is that you lived in ignorance of the real you. But you have since more than made up for those times, a thousand times over.

    And keeping you in the dark about your Cerebral Palsy has actually led you to the place you are at now and that, ironically was the best thing they did.

    1. Thank you. I would have still been in the same place emotionally had I not been strong enough to work through my ignorance on the not knowing.

      My strength of character and inner thoughts carried me through those dark times. I always believed and never stopped believing that one day I would get to find out.

      I didn’t think about my writing or the diary at that point. It was just important I know. Both of those things have now put my life back in order and I feel more settled because of it.

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