My emotional reactions

I hate that autism means I have little natural animation to my smile that I show little or no emotional reaction through facial expressions to situations. I hate that I wasn’t told I had autism, I hate that over the years, I have continually been misjudged and misunderstood, and still I continue to struggle.

I know what happiness, excitement, surprise, anger, fear, confusion, and sadness looks like, but I am void of those emotions. I have little natural expression of my emotions. I hate that. I hate how autism interferes with my emotions.

For me to be able to empathise, I must have the emotional and cognitive experience to relate to another person’s feelings. Because I struggle with cognitive challenges, I find it difficult to empathise, even if I know what sympathy is.

We must be able to feel with that person but must also have the tools to tell or show empathy. With autism we may not tell or show our feelings in ways that are understood by others.

We may also not pick up on social or cultural cues and therefore may not be able to express empathetic feelings outwardly. Having autism means it’s difficult for us to share the other person’s hopes, and expectations.

Outwardly I cannot feel. I recognise empathy, patience, compassion and tolerance, but I can’t feel those traits. Through my words and blog, I am able to show empathy, patience, compassion and tolerance, but I have no physical reactions to emotion.

The difficulty is me having to fit my life into other people’s lives around autism and those others expecting me to be normal. Others must come to accept they have to share me with autism and then us work through my struggles together.

22 Dec, 2019

2 thoughts on “My emotional reactions

  1. People do seem to have a lot of expectations when it comes to how you react to what they’re saying or doing a lot of times.

    I find that it’s extremely magnified especially around the holidays when you’re supposed to be so ‘happy’ but I’m usually feeling anything but happy.

    It is because I was brainwashed as a child on how to think, act and feel, most of the time, that I’m not quite sure of what my feelings are and if they’re really my own.

    They tend to think that I’m extremely antisocial, but in reality I desperately try to avoid a lot of social interactions, seeing as I don’t know how to relate to people in general.

    It would be nice to not have to deal with these issues, but there’s only so much I can do to pretend that I’m normal.

    1. Thanks Randy. Like me, you can only to do what you can do, others must fit into your life.

      Yes, holidays are always the hardest, particularly this time of year coming up to Christmas. I understand how difficult it all is. Just do what you can do. Hopefully in time it will become easier.

      What I know is that those around you who want to be around you will always choose to make the effort.

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