My emotional struggles

I never really understood my emotions and why I struggled to feel until I’d worked through the process, starting with my diagnosis.

Although I was aware of how I presented as a child, I didn’t understand why or that it had anything to do with my emotions and why my brain wasn’t able to connect with those emotions. I didn’t know I had brain damage, let alone why. At the age of 46 and nine years on from my diagnosis I have now made the connections, now aged 55.

The nerve impulses brought about through damage around the sensory cortex means I can’t and don’t feel in the way we’re supposed to feel. I just don’t feel. The sensory receptors which we use to express our emotions and how we feel, aren’t connected. As a child I didn’t need the physical connections. Looking back, I understand why now.

This blog touches on the very heart of the issue. Although I know what empathy and compassion are, I can’t feel empathy or compassion, but through my words I can empathise and be compassionate.

Also, over the years no physical or emotional connections were being made. The same is true around having a general desire to belong, to be liked and loved, emotional and personal support between family members. Autism has taken centre stage.

Where I struggle with my emotions and connections aren’t able to be made, I have finally learned to compensate through my intuition, so I am not completely cut off. I read emotions.

What I find irritating is that I’ve had to piece my life and my disability together and I’ve had to do it on my own.


17 Nov, 2018

4 thoughts on “My emotional struggles

  1. Yes, the worst part has been having to figure out all of this on my own too, seeing as I wasn’t really allowed to as a kid.

    I got to see my cousins being treated very well by parents who truly loved and cared for them, while we lived in a nightmare that we weren’t supposed to talk about. It was always a daily struggle to survive. Having a lot of feelings about anything wasn’t exactly encouraged or desired.

    It is very sad that neither one of us had anything explained to us and weren’t told that these issues weren’t because we were defective, or because of anything we did wrong.

    This is why I didn’t feel much more than relief when my parents finally passed. It felt like I could finally breathe once again and didn’t have to live under their constant scrutiny and judgement.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, your thoughts concur with mine. I am sure you know your experiences have nothing to do with you and everything to do with your parents.

      When you live your life in a way that helps others, even with what you deal with, it will show your parents you’re a surviver. Our loved ones don’t have to physically be here to know.

      As we speak our truth they will know our truth. But I do think it’s important that whatever our past or experiences, we use those as a stepping stone to permanent change.

      More so because of the life we were made to live.

  2. Ilana, before you developed a conscience you were compassionate and empathetic, it’s in your DNA, it’s who you are. The truth cannot be denied by any diagnosis.

    Oh, by the way, you’re more emotionally assertive than you’ve ever been, you just use the right choice of words.

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