My guilty feelings

I believe that no matter how parents raise their children, they will never get it right one hundred per cent. But what about those of us who continue to carry guilt over the actions of our parents?

I carried guilt for not persevering in school when I found it extremely difficult to keep up and was constantly falling behind. I carried guilt when I was asked why I wasn’t working, when in truth I was already struggling.

I carried guilt for not doing well in exams, and not making headway in the most important years of my life. My biggest guilt was ripping up school reports, because I couldn’t bear to read my teachers’ comments, and failing with my education and yet I wasn’t the one to blame.

I carried the guilt for years, but now see the guilt I carried had nothing to do with me. My guilt had always been a consequence of other people’s insecurities and inability to guide, help and support me with a disability.

Some 56 years later and after extensive work on my physical, emotional and neurological issues, I am now in a better emotional place. I have had to learn how to pick up the pieces after years of negativity and trauma.

The opportunity to stop beating myself up about my life, came just before my mum passed, when she told me my birth was difficult, and that made me think about my disability, and a new journey began.

24 Mar, 2011

6 thoughts on “My guilty feelings

  1. My parents tried at times to make me feel guilty about various things but thankfully I never bought into it at all. That used to drive them crazy, especially my mother.

    1. I think a lot has to do with the environment we grow up in. If parents don’t take responsibility or ownership, the guilt has to be offloaded somewhere. My schooling was bound to have an effect on me, it was such a major part of my life.

      I think it also depends on the parents too and their parentage. I’m pleased you weren’t affected by yours.

  2. I received no guidance about my school work at all when I was in those formative years either from my parents and I always thought it was something I did and like you realise it was from their downfall not mine.

    I was doing better and not feeling guilty at all when I went back to school. Then the school closed and it all but destroyed me, but there are other chances for me to go back to school and do better than I did in high school.

    1. That’s great Lisa. We both have followed similar paths as far as education is concerned, as we both went back into study later on in our lives.

      I am of the belief that we never stop learning and am pleased you’re doing well now.

  3. I learned through many years we need to stop feeling guilty and condemn ourselves.

    I have learned to forgive everyone who hurts me and all the past pains I have had. I do not have any more pain to pass on to others. I have cp and I have been down the dark roads in my life.

    It did not get me anywhere, just more pain. Please do not get offended about what I am going to say. I am christian; I believe in God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit. I understand others belief’s and that is fine.

    This is me. I was healed from suicide thoughts, actions and depression. Healed from wanting to die everyday due to CP and others things. Now I am alive and surviving thriving with my God-giving life.

    No more blame or shame and God loves us unconditionally no matter what happens. My disability is for His glory and He has shown me why he made me like this. God Bless You!

    1. Marvin I think you’ve given us food for thought here.

      I do believe it is good for us to learn to forgive others, but I also believe it has to be a two way street. If we have been wronged in some way, it is up to those who have wronged us to apologise too. If we cannot rely on our friends to be honest and open with us, there will be no point to the friendship.

      I am not offended you talking about your love of God. If you feel god is helping you live your life with CP and all that you deal with, then that’s what matters.

      You are right in what you say about other people and their own beliefs. We have to find what works for us in our life and be happy with that. Thanks for posting.

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