My Journey

On the days I struggle to come to terms with the enormity of my neglect, I need to start looking at my experiences in another way.

I need to understand why I was given this life. It doesn’t take away the initial problems of how I got to this place, or everyone’s role in my life around my physical and emotional difficulties, but it does go some way to explain why I have it. My thoughts are what makes me who I am.

I believe this is something I need to keep reinforcing, so I give myself a different more positive perspective on my experiences. My blog has become my journey, my life’s work and now for others too, to be able to repeat for themselves, the need for change and self-awareness that I talk about in my blogs.

12 Dec, 2016

6 thoughts on “My Journey

  1. Yes, as always, a fitting subject for what’s going on with me right now. Part of me has wanted to do a lot of the things that you have done while the other part screams at me that I can’t do that because of the code of silence.

    I have spent most of my life being ashamed of even existing and the choices I made. My biggest fear is that my deepest, darkest secrets would be exposed, when what I have done pales in comparison to what others have done. I made a lot of adult decisions based on a child’s knowledge, so I need to cut myself some slack.

    You were forced to deal with your issues without even knowing what they really were, which was very sad considering how different things have could have been if only you had known. You have shown me that we do need to focus on dealing with today, since getting mired down in all the what ifs only serves to make our lives miserable.

    I watched my parents do it for years and we were the ones who suffered because of it. I have wasted a good part of my life doing the same, but I know it is possible to move on. I just have to learn how to stay focused on the task at hand even when every fiber of my being is telling me not to.

    It would be nice to know that the work I know I can do would save at least one other person. I was forced to just watch what was happening around me as a kid, which is pretty much torture when you feel like you should do something, anything to help people out.

    People shouldn’t have to suffer when there are things that can be done to help them make their lives better.

    1. Thanks Randy. You’re absolutely right, people shouldn’t have to struggle or suffer and you having gone through the experiences you have, shows me there is everything you can do to help others and I think you should do it.

      You won’t want to look back in another 10 years and wish that you had. With your mum now passed and your father soon to follow, you have the opportunity. Your siblings should be supporting your decisions.

      Their life is for them to make good. What you feel you must do is for you. It’s not up to them to have an opinion on your experiences, or your life or what you feel you should do.

      Looking back on my own experiences and life, the opportunity arose for me to find out and I took it. That was my journey, I see that now. I have to continue to work to keep my thoughts positive around my experiences, it’s so easy to fall back into old patterns, but that’s my job now.

      My journey with The CP Diary is helping with that.

  2. I agree, our paths are pre-destined and yours was set out before you were born and we are all better for it. You need to keep telling yourself that too.

    1. Thank you. I shall continue to reinforce my understanding. I’ve always struggled with my physical and emotional problems and for years I just couldn’t see a way through.

      I’ve been very honest and open about my struggles. Today’s blog was to help show another way for me to think, so that I can draw a line under my past.

      The CP Diary is testament to my determination to move past all the negativity associated with not knowing. What I do with my site continue to reinforces positivity, so that one day I can turn my thinking around for good.

      As you say I need to continue to reinforce that thinking. It would be easy to fall into old patterns.

  3. I think your struggles have triggered something in you, so potent that it heals. So much so, that you’ve redesigned your Cerebral Palsy and produced this Diary.

    You have self-medicated yourself, literally, by demanding more from life; and your journey continues.

    1. Awww thanks Tim. I don’t really think about my Cerebral Palsy in the way I used to, so perhaps that’s how I’ve redesigned it. I choose not to let it define me, but as a child that wasn’t the case. I am a part of it now, but it isn’t a part of me.

      I have to believe and see how far I’ve come. I struggle with that. With each blog I will continue with my journey. I still have a way to go.

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Ilana x