My lost years

I’ve been watching a few tear-jerking episodes of Davina McCall and Nicky Campbell’s ‘Long-Lost Family’ series and although I haven’t missed out on knowing my family, not knowing that I had cerebral palsy, makes me feel that part of my own life has been lost.

There is a large chunk of my life that I shall never get back, living with a disability I didn’t know I had. My frustrations, my anger, being blamed so many times for my anger. Wanting to know what was wrong with me. Living with no emotional support, my many questions and no answers to my pleas, and living a lie.

My life had been a lie up to the point of me finding out. Those years are the years I can never get back, those are my lost years.

22 Jul, 2015

6 thoughts on “My lost years

  1. You inspire me because you have lit a candle and found your way out of darkness. Despite losing all those years you have accomplished so much. You’ve displayed courage and an incredible amount of determination.

    It seems the more you look back the more you move forward.

    1. Thank you. Your response means and helps a lot.

      Your last sentence particularly resonates with me. I suppose in a way that is what I have done. By interacting with and understanding my past, the more I have moved forward away from it, without realising that is what I have done.

  2. Yes, I know that feeling all too well! I wasted a good part of my life not dealing with my issues, because we always had to pretend like we didn’t have any! God forbid if any of us would’ve had something like CP because we would have been royally screwed.

    This is why I get so annoyed when people say things like, they did the best they could with what they had! What kind of parent knowingly ignores their child’s problem when there are things that can be done to help? Kind of like the child having cancer but the parents choose to act like nothing’s wrong!

    The worst part is knowing that if they had helped me as a child, it would have saved me going through over 30 years of Hell. People wonder why I don’t have many feelings about my parents, but they didn’t suffer through what I did.

    We all deserved so much better than what we did get. It’s so very hard not to be very bitter and resentful about everything that I missed out on. My fears, doubts and insecurities kept me a prisoner in my own mind for such a long time.

    The reality is that I now have to make the best of what time I have left to do something with my life!

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes I totally get you. Having studied my own parents and what they had to deal with, I know both of my parents struggled emotionally, so couldn’t cope with any children that came along.

      Parents don’t always talk to their children, but it’s often their non-parental behaviour that gives the game away. I don’t believe parents don’t care, they often don’t know how to deal with being a parent and all that parenting responsibilities bring, particularly when they have their own issues to deal with, as your case has shown.

      In my mind that doesn’t make it right, I would never condone bad behaviour, parent or not… it just makes it what it is. Sorry you had to go through that. You deserved more.

  3. You have achieved what many people don’t even realise is achievable. You have addressed the past in order to move forward and look to the future positively. Not many of us can say we have done that.

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