My missing milestones

There will always be things about Cerebral Palsy that I can never bring closure on, because I never knew I had Cerebral Palsy and although I relentlessly tried, I can never get those years back.

Now it’s too late to ask questions because my parents are no longer around. As I continue to work through a book about developmental delays that sheds light on Cerebral Palsy, as I stare at the pages at each developmental delay, I know I never met those milestones.

Even if I hadn’t have met some of those milestones that would have been fine. Sometimes just knowing what we struggle with is enough and to know we couldn’t have done anything different.

2 Dec, 2015

8 thoughts on “My missing milestones

  1. Ambiguity around your milestones will always be one area of your life that you will not now ever get to the bottom of and I imagine it is difficult knowing that you will never know.

    You have successfully faced and overcome bigger challenges and will continue to do so and I have no doubt you will find a place for this one too.

    1. Thank you. I feel I’d be living a life less than I deserve, if I were to carry this and all the other things I’ve had to deal with in my life.

      I would also be living with too much negativity and stress and don’t want to do that. I also couldn’t do what I do now with the site and continue to do, with so much negativity around me.

      The more positive we are, the more our thoughts are positive. Living with self-pity only serves to make us feel worse and that will always continue to impact our life negatively. I don’t want that.

      The CP Diary has enabled me to put all of my experiences where they belong, away from my unconscious thoughts. My story has been re-written and retold. Something I believe we’re all capable of.

  2. In some ways I feel like I was robbed of some milestones because of CP.

    I used to get a bit jealous hearing about the fuss, parents make when their baby takes their first steps without any aid. I realized I had reached my own milestones in my own time and in my own way.

  3. Thanks Maria. Yes I feel like you feel with regard to milestones. The only think I remember my father saying is that I would catch up. I believe he was referring to my education.

    There was never any discussion around my milestones and I have no recollection at all. It doesn’t matter when we reach our milestones, what’s important is that we manage them.

    The fact that you reached yours in your own time Maria is commendable given what you had to deal with. I’m pleased for you and you should be proud.

  4. Yes, knowing is half the battle, but it would have been nice to know so much sooner in my life.

    I imagine your parents discouraged you from talking about your condition too. My parents always made it seem like my issues didn’t matter, so eventually you give up. I just find it very sad, especially in your case that your parents never really helped you deal with your CP, which would have made your life so much easier!

    Of course this would have meant having to deal with your issues, which they probably didn’t want to do at the time, way back when disabilities were treated like something you should be ashamed of, which is just downright ridiculous.

    I find it makes me very angry at times, when I think about what I missed and could have achieved if my life had been different! Most parents try to help and nurture their kids to do the best they can, but mine could have seemed to care less.

    People often talk about what they did as children and their milestones, which makes me wonder what that must have been like. My parents are pretty much gone too and we have hardly anything to prove that we were ever children.

    I try not to dwell on all the what ifs that run through my head every day, but there are some days I just can’t let it go!

    1. Like you Randy, we’ll never know. All we can do is accept that we’re not responsible and move on. To dwell will just make us angry, as you have rightly pointed out in your response.

      I believe that what you missed out on has nothing to do with you, but has everything to do with your parents. Even though they made a lot of mistakes and have never owned up to their mistakes, they are still responsible as far as the universe is concerned.

      The universe provides the framework within which we all live our lives and that makes them accountable.

    1. Thanks Tim. Given what I’ve had to deal with over the years in terms of learning, I’ve met my own expectations through the likes of my work on The CP Diary. If the diary was a milestone I would have surpassed that.

      Having been judged for my lack of abilities and learning over the years, with a lack of understanding coming from others, perhaps it’s now time for all those concerned to acknowledge and accept the implications and limitations of my Cerebral Palsy… that this was the cause of my inability to learn.

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Ilana x