My missing records

A back to back personal blog, but this was very much on my mind today. All my blogs are based on an experience, around a memory, stretching as far back as a little girl.

It will come as no surprise then for me to recall my experiences based around my yearly consultations. Even as a small child I was aware of each conversation. The conversations between my father and my consultants were always the same. My consultants asked my father how things had been and if he had any concerns.

Because my father saying ‘no’ to both questions didn’t prompt the specialist to ask any further questions, I assumed there was very little wrong with me. As part of my consultations my legs were checked to make sure that my shorter leg was growing at the pace of my normal leg. Having to wait around an hour to go into each consultation, I was in there for no more than around 20 minutes, made easier because my father wasn’t interested in talking semantics.

But the problems with my missing records go back to the beginning. I was born in 1963. In 1965 I was diagnosed with cerebral palsy and that diagnosis was registered with my GP, (General Medical Practitioner). Having checked, there are no notes on any of my consultations after my diagnosis in 1965 until 1972, when at the age of 11, my doctor sent me back to see another consultant because she had concerns about my learning.

It’s strange because I’d already been in school since around 5-6 years old that it would take until the age of 11 to be referred back. In her introduction letter, she asked that I be enrolled in a pre-school clinic so that I could be monitored for my educational ability. Although it was my doctor who instigated the decision for me to attend a clinic for further observation, when that didn’t happen, neither my doctor or consultant followed it through.

My yearly February consultations continued for another few years, then at the age of 15 I was to attend what would be my last consultation. In that consultation my father was told there was nothing more that could be done and I was being discharged. What I didn’t realise was that my father had no intentions of getting me the help I needed. At the insistence of my father, I was then sent back and finally discharged at the age of 25, when I was sent to see yet another consultant, 3 days before I got married.

The irony is that ‘where there was nothing they could do,’ there was everything that should have been done. I remember thinking at the time that there must have been little wrong with me because I was being discharged early. Little did I know in fact it was because my doctors’ concerns had been totally ignored throughout the years.

I find it hard to believe that this was made to be my life. I’m also not sure it’s something I will ever come to terms with. Let down by the very institutions and people whose job it was to protect me.

15 Jul, 2018

2 thoughts on “My missing records

  1. Yes, the hardest part to accept at times is that our parents knew there were problems, but simply decided not to address them, so why would we even think that we had problems ourselves?

    We both fell through the cracks with schools and doctors who should have protected us and made sure that we got the help we needed.

    Now they don’t have any problems stepping in, but instead they have become mandated reporters, which means they are legally obligated to report any issues they notice.

    In the case of my daughter, they did try helping her out in school, but their hands were tied seeing as her mother didn’t push her to do much of anything, which is why she didn’t graduate high school.

    The worst part for me was that I didn’t know anything about it until her last year of high school, so by that time there wasn’t much I could do.

    I had been oblivious because I was dealing with my own issues, but it wasn’t like her mother and I ever really talked about anything, thanks to the animosity of our divorce.

    It’s impossible to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves, as I found out when I tried to push my daughter when she came home and she kicked me out of her life in the worst possible way.

    My girlfriend wonders why I won’t fight for guardianship but why would I when she has made it very clear that she doesn’t want my help? I can say that I tried, which is better than what both of our parents did.

    This is why comments like, ‘they did the best they could with what they had’ tend to irritate me so much, seeing as they really didn’t, so shame on them.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, this is why understanding on our part is extremely important. Us understanding the facts doesn’t change the facts of how our experiences play out, but understanding is extremely useful in knowing how to work through and change our experiences.

      This is one of the reasons why I starting writing. To make head and tail of my life and experiences. Writing and reading what I write, helps me equate my experiences and it is from that I can make an informed choice on the experience itself.

      Until we get to that understanding of how and why our parents do what they do, it’s easy to become irritated. In my own case, I believe that your quote in your last paragraph is true.

      My parents did their best, which was well below parenting standards, but given how they were parented, it’s not surprising. I know and can see that.

      Although that’s no excuse, you then have to ask yourself, why would a parent choose to parent in the way they do, if they could better and make your life easier?

      The answer is because they’re not emotionally capable, and that is true.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Pre-order my new book

Many thanks
Ilana x