My perspective on loss

Never having had any concrete support, I wasn’t sure how I would feel when it came to losing both parents.

As the weeks passed, I began to ask myself whether it was easier letting go of losing both parents, because there had never been any emotional support in place. I believe it is. That when we have no support it’s always easier to let go of loss. When we tie ourselves emotionally into any relationship, we will always have those ties to break.

It’s the nature of relationships and why we have difficulty letting go. With no support, the opposite is usually true, we don’t have to go through the process of letting go because there’s nothing to let go of.

As for the grieving process, it’s easy to grieve for something we didn’t have. If we were to think about the loss in these circumstances, then perhaps that is the loss we feel.

24 Dec, 2013

6 thoughts on “My perspective on loss

  1. It feels different with mom than it did with dad and I think it is because I was much closer to dad.

    My sister was closer to mom. When mom is gone I will probably feel lost without both of them. I still feel lost without my father and he passed in 2004. Mom and I have become closer in the past 2 years though and I’m feeling lost now and she is still here but she isn’t.

    I had a wonderful childhood and even though my parents kept a close rein on me and I understand why they did. I believe that we all grieve in different ways depending on the relationship we had.

    It’s harder for some and I agree with you that you grieve the childhood you didn’t have and that’s okay.

    1. Your reasoning behind why you feel different about losing your mum, ties in with my reasoning about losing a parent. Thank you.

      When we’re closer to someone and we lose them, we definitely feel more of a void there. Although you’ve changed things around with your mum in the last two years Lisa, you still have a lot of years where you didn’t have that closeness. It\s that part that makes us feel different.

      It is of course not to say that you won’t miss your mum because you will, but in some respects she’s made it easier for you to let go. Your mum has struggled for so long to deal with her illness, it’s that which takes its toll on the mind and the physical body. I had that with my father.

      She’s with you in spirit and always will be. Stay strong Lisa. I have every confidence you will be fine.

  2. I agree, the feeling of loss must be proportional to the attachment of those who have died.

    As you say, where there is little attachment ,then those feelings can often be replaced by feelings of how things might have been different, which I suspect is quite common.

    Things could always have been different, but they were probably the way they were for very good reasons, even though we may not know what those reasons are at that time.

    1. I agree with your thoughts. It’s like any belief system and given my own spiritual beliefs I agree with your thinking although I have to say that I still would have opted for a more balanced view of the world and better parenting.

      I would still have been happy to learn as I go. I spend my life doing that.

  3. I think that how our parents are with us, is a direct sign of how they might have been raised. For instance my mother-in-law says and does things that I would find pretty cold. She grew up in foster care and had to learn to be self sufficient at a young age.

    She must not have felt the child/parent bond that is needed to feel loved. In turn I think that she became hardened with the world because she had to. I can’t imagine how that would be growing up and she probably had a hard time letting people in to her heart.

    Life deals us a lot of things, good and bad. I can see why someone in your situation would feel as you do. I think I would feel the same, the feeling of wishing you had more closeness with your parents.

    But the thing you learned Ilana, is that it’s not always the right way to raise a child. You want your child to feel loved and supported and you have imparted that on your children.

    You have definitely raised your kids to feel that, you’re a great parent. It takes a lot of guts to change things around as you have. You are quite the role model and I’m proud to call you my friend.

    1. Thanks Maria. I’m humbled. Thank you so much for your support. You are a good friend.

      You’re absolutely on the nail with your sentiments about your mother-in-law. I came to understand my life from a very early age and said that if I ever had children I would parent very differently.

      Unconsciously we follow patterns from our own childhood and impart those unconscious thoughts on our own children, unless we change things.

      My blog tomorrow explains in more detail, my final thoughts on my getting to this point in my life and how things were for me. I think that whatever and however we are parented, it’s not enough to just accept that as the norm.

      However hard it is, we must always work on making things better for our children. There’s no excuse for any of us to just accept we’ve been the subject of bad parenting and to continue to parent that way with our own children.

      I also feel that to constantly apportion blame without changing anything isn’t the way either.

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