Seeing my father this afternoon put me in somewhat of a reflective mood. It has helped me understand him and his life a little more.
It’s important for me to understand how and why I got to this place with my Cerebral Palsy and to challenge what I need to challenge to find out. I know that we’re not all good at working through and changing things for the people we love, but we must find a way.
Not everyone has the ability to change or know how to change things, I believe that much is true and as I reflect on some of our past conversations about my Cerebral Palsy, he knows everything I needed to tell him. He saw me angry for many years; it doesn’t really take a genius to understand why I would be angry. If he felt guilt, he never made it obvious, but that doesn’t help me now.
We have always had a particular understanding between us, an unspoken word around my Cerebral Palsy. I know he knows, he knows I know, but it’s never spoken about. Watching my father deteriorate I genuinely want him to be okay, so that when the right time comes for him to make his own transition, the transition goes smoothly.
As I watch him from the other side of the room, I know this is what he’s thinking. He needs to let go of the guilt. He has permission now.