My reflective thoughts

Seeing my father this afternoon put me in somewhat of a reflective mood. It has helped me understand him and his life a little more.

It’s important for me to understand how and why I got to this place with my Cerebral Palsy and to challenge what I need to challenge to find out. I know that we’re not all good at working through and changing things for the people we love, but we must find a way.

Not everyone has the ability to change or know how to change things, I believe that much is true and as I reflect on some of our past conversations about my Cerebral Palsy, he knows everything I needed to tell him. He saw me angry for many years; it doesn’t really take a genius to understand why I would be angry. If he felt guilt, he never made it obvious, but that doesn’t help me now.

We have always had a particular understanding between us, an unspoken word around my Cerebral Palsy. I know he knows, he knows I know, but it’s never spoken about. Watching my father deteriorate I genuinely want him to be okay, so that when the right time comes for him to make his own transition, the transition goes smoothly.

As I watch him from the other side of the room, I know this is what he’s thinking. He needs to let go of the guilt. He has permission now.


13 Feb, 2012

4 thoughts on “My reflective thoughts

  1. There was something that had happened to me and my father was the biggest reason I made the choice I made and I know it ate at him until he died.

    I never talked to him about it and he didn’t talk to me about it. I just know it really bothered him and I guess he felt guilty from it. But there wasn’t anything I could have said or done to make him forget about it or not feel guilty.

    I think he knows now that I don’t blame him and I know he is happy and has been forgiven for his part in my decision.

  2. It’s natural to be reflective at these times and usually this is a good thing.

    I’m sure your dad understands your relationship as well as you understand him, even though he has never been able to say so.

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