My rewired brain

Although my brain compensated as I was a baby when I suffered a brain hemorrhage, it doesn’t compensate far enough. I struggle with significant neurological impairments, but with others assuming they know what I deal with, it makes what I deal with worse, not to mention stressful.

I don’t feel. The thought processes I have don’t connect, in other words I can’t feel. Words are just words I don’t have any physical sensations to those words. I can tell myself I’m happy, but I don’t physically feel happy. I can tell myself I’m excited, but I don’t feel excited and so on.

As a consequence, navigating relationships isn’t easy because I have to interpret feelings instead. Through necessity, I have learned to compensate by reading people and situations, which always doesn’t go down well, when the reality is I’m just trying to work out what’s going on.

Without using my intuition, I would fail to have anywhere near a normal life. It is my intuition that allows me to connect to people, to the outside world. My intuition helps me function, without which I’d be stuck in an isolated world.

24 Jun, 2017

2 thoughts on “My rewired brain

  1. Yes, when you present it as a wiring issue, then that does make a lot of sense. You have damage to certain sections of your brain that control the emotions, so that you really don’t feel like other people do.

    I made a conscious decision to do the same thing to my own brain, as much as I could, after I started exhibiting behaviors that I didn’t know how to deal with. My parents were pretty oblivious compared to normal parents, who would take their child to be examined to find out what was wrong.

    I was very angry at that time, which I had every right to be, but I was taking it out in ways that would be described as sociopathic and require behavior modification. It would have been completely obvious to parents who actually cared about their children!

    So in that aspect, I can relate to a point, where you have to pretty much guess what you’re feeling (or even supposed to be feeling). I tried so very hard to disconnect myself from my feelings, then but it turns out that you do need some of them to actually live, rather than just survive.

    People seem to think living like a vulcan would be great, but then you don’t feel anything at all, good or bad. You pretty much just exist at that point, which isn’t very pleasant or enjoyable.

    I’m guessing that’s why we connected so quickly, seeing as in a lot of ways we are on the same wavelength most of the time. I’m sure others would consider you cold and calculating, but they wouldn’t get that you’re running more on intellect and less on emotion.

    I have a lot of work to do to plug myself back in, which I know isn’t going to be pleasant but necessary if I ever want to feel like a human again.

  2. Thanks Randy. Yes, I don’t have the ability to connect on an emotional level in the true sense. Your last paragraph sums up your response beautifully and you’re right. For so many years, given your upbringing, through necessity you switched your feelings off in order to protect yourself.

    I believe that you have the ability to feel and with the right people in your life, you will want to start the connection process. I think we get into patterns, depending on what we have to deal with and until something positive changes, we stay in those patterns.

    In my own case, I had no choice, it’s what I was born with. Not having the best upbringing, I can certainly resonate with your experiences, which is why we both connect and understand each other perfectly.

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