My ‘secret’ disability

There is no doubt in my mind that I would still be struggling to understand or talk about my experiences if I hadn’t started The CP Diary. The CP Diary is a place I come to, so I can talk  about my experiences.

I liken my experiences to someone who is finally able to walk free for the first time, having been kept in the dark for 46 years. I think it remarkable that I’m choosing to see my life as positive, as I continue to document my experiences as they happened.

It doesn’t get those others off the hook. They must take stock and come to understand how they could and should have done things differently with me. Those who allow others to go through very difficult circumstances, where they could make their lives easier, never usually accept or look at themselves in the mirror, long enough to understand the part they played.

When any child is born with special needs, they are special needs no matter how small their needs are. All family members must rally round and in most cases do. And for the special needs child, their life isn’t just about the difficulties they face, but the emotional support that is brought about through the support from their families.

Without my website, my life would look and feel very different. My Diary helps me work through my thoughts and feelings, so that I can bring understanding into the equation on all the experiences I talk about. Without my website, I would still be left in the dark, but the irony is I was always going to find out.

When it comes to a disability, the disability shouldn’t be secret. Because it goes against how the Universe expects us to behave, where secrets aren’t supposed to be secret, the Universe will always find a way to correct that situation.

On my part, I am simply trying not to hold on to the negativity surrounding my ‘secret’ disability and that’s where my Diary comes in.


20 May, 2018

4 thoughts on “My ‘secret’ disability

  1. No disability should be hidden away and no-one has the right to do that to someone. Your world would indeed be a very different place without The CP Diary, as would ours.

    Both worlds are better for it.

    1. Thanks. Yes, I still can’t and don’t think I will ever come to terms with what’s been done. But I am well aware that without my history I couldn’t write like I do and in the way I do without those experiences.

      I think your first paragraph sums up your response for me. ‘No disability should be hidden away and no one has a right to do that to someone.’ Difficult to get your head around that when you’re talking about 46 years of your life.

      We know our history with our loved ones. It’s then up to our loved ones to reconcile what they’ve done for themselves. What’s been done weighs heavily on me sometimes, but I am determined not to let it get me down.

  2. Your personal achievements has dropped hope on our family, which makes it easy to discreetly bury dark secrets. The kind of secrets that weigh us down forever.

    Because of you I have no need to waste my life staring into an empty past.

    Thank you Ilana.

    1. You’re welcome. I am so pleased Tim, but I’m sure you know me by now. If my emotions weren’t so impaired I would find it easier to embrace the whole concept of what I have achieved and see it in the way you see it. I love that each of my blogs, recall an experience and impart a message that allows us to bring about understanding for ourselves through our own individual experiences.

      My thoughts and feelings through each blog are all that I am. Although, I cannot feel or understand the enormity of my achievements, or what I have managed to achieve through my website, I am enormously grateful for yours and everyone’s support. That means a lot to me.

      But I feel we help each other along the way. Hope is always something I innately held on to, since I was a small child. It’s what pulled me through the dark times. I never gave up believing my time would come.

      I am grateful with each passing day that I am able to help others, in this way. Thank you for your support.

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