My tomorrow

We all have to lose a parent, that’s a given but looking back at what I’ve had to deal with in the last 5 years, I cannot believe that my father is now terminally ill.

I had a problem watching my mother struggle with her health before she died, so will probably have a problem watching my father struggle too before he goes. Ever since I was a child I have struggled to cope around illness and death. He had been diagnosed with Lymphoma a few weeks ago, but was told that at 83 years old, the Lymphoma wouldn’t kill him.

He would go on to live his life normally with no problems at all, then last week he was told that the cancer had spread. A tumour that was 2 cm had just become 10 cm. I know that when the time comes I will be upset. I know 5 years ago when my mother died I felt the same way, although it felt slightly scarier, because it was the first time.

As children we tend to think our parents will be around forever to support and look after us. Having a parent whether you have the support from them is still a safety net. As good or as bad as they may be, they are still parents that doesn’t change. It’s a scary thought for me knowing that I may not have either parent now.

In terms of support I will continue to emotionally support myself. Being able to speak to my parents now about my Cerebral Palsy may now never happen. That has gone now and will go permanently when my father passes.

I have already reconciled that I only found at 46 that I had Cerebral Palsy. Being able to write about my thoughts through my site has brought me more closure than I had. As far as Cerebral Palsy is concerned, my life was never going to be any different. I have to try and accept that.

Of course this couldn’t have come at a worst time, after having such a tough time, but then we cannot always determine what happens and when. All I can do is work through this the best I can and like everything I turn my hand to, keep going.

12 Feb, 2012

6 thoughts on “My tomorrow

  1. I remember when my mother was diagnosised with breast cancer almost 20 years ago and went into remission and then it returned in her bones a few years ago I was more upset when it returned than I was when she was first diagnosed.

    The big difference is my father was around then and now he’s not. During the time she was in remission my father was diagnosed with adrenal carcinoma and passed after a 6 month battle. My father gave up.

    I was very upset about my father’s passing and still am to a certain extent. My mother is still battling stage 4 breast cancer which wouldn’t have returned if the doctors wouldn’t hadn’t put her back on estrogen therapy. That’s the part I’m furious about.

    They thought the benefits outweighed the risk and were wrong. If I’d have known about it I would have told her not to go back on it due to the cancer being estrogen fed to start with. But you can’t change the past so I’m dealing with my anger at the medical community which I am a part of.

    There was so much I think about now that I wanted to tell my father but didn’t and I know some part of him felt guilty for me having the diabetes. That’s the way my father was. He felt guilt a lot even though he shouldn’t have.

    His mind went first then his body just gave up. I know somehow he did understand what I told him though. The “I love yous” came everyday until the day he pasted. The “I love yous” come every time I talk to mom now. Growing up we didn’t express this sentiment as much as we should have. I guess then emotions weren’t expressed as openly as they are today.

    My father was 60 when he died and my mom is 67 now. Too young if you ask me.

    1. I completely understand you Lisa. My mother-in-law had breast cancer in her 50’s brought about by estrogen (HRT) but seems to be doing okay now 23 years on. There is a lot that we learn about, as we work through illness with our family and you’re right you cannot turn the past on what happened with your mother, but you can change the way you perceive all that has happened to date. It is important to our own emotional health.

      There is no guarantee with cancer that even if your mother wasn’t advised in this way, that she would still live through her ordeal. We have to look at the complete holistic approach to be in with a fighting chance of surviving cancer and most of us struggle with that. We need to educate ourselves completely so that we understand the fundamentals behind illness.

      You’re telling your mother how you feel now. Emotions were brushed under the carpet when you and I were growing up, but you’re not doing that now. I hope that in return your mother tells you how she feels back. That’s important for her too, so you know how she feels about you.

      I’m here for you.

  2. Sorry to hear that you’re having a rough time with your family. My family is still in transition in dealing with my sister and her illness as well.

    When dealing with a hardship that involves immediate family it is always difficult. Wishing you the best in enduring the tough times that you are facing.

    A few days ago it was 6 months since my friend Taylor passed away from ovarian cancer. Slow as time passes, it’s getting easier to live with and I know that she’s not really gone.

    I hope that you too can find peace with your family.

    1. Thanks LeAnna. This helps.

      I am so sorry to hear of your family problems. I hope things get sorted out soon and that you are okay.

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