Growing up, and only finding out at the age of 46 that I had cerebral palsy meant I was left in the dark for all those years.
When I think about my struggles and how long I had to go through those struggles, I know it’s not something I will ever come to terms with. I am comfortable with the idea because I didn’t inflict it on myself. Instead, I will find a place for it.
I don’t know how old I was when I came to understand the reasoning behind why I was never told. I know I had already been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, so it was some time after that but before my father passed, when I was 48.
I had struggles where struggles didn’t have to be struggles. I was continually living with a sense of dread, with feelings of apprehension, nervousness, restlessness and unease. In those times I would try to reach out.
But the biggest thing was having to deal with bad thoughts and symptoms of anxiety, around my difficulties and I didn’t know why. And for as many times as I tried to grapple with those feelings, I would continue to struggle.
It’s a frightening place for a child. It doesn’t make it any easier when you can’t work through it, because you are unaware you have brain damage.