Never coming to terms

Growing up, and only finding out at the age of 46 that I had cerebral palsy meant I was left in the dark for all those years.

When I think about my struggles and how long I had to go through those struggles, I know it’s not something I will ever come to terms with. I am comfortable with the idea because I didn’t inflict it on myself. Instead, I will find a place for it.

I don’t know how old I was when I came to understand the reasoning behind why I was never told. I know I had already been diagnosed with cerebral palsy, so it was some time after that but before my father passed, when I was 48.

I had struggles where struggles didn’t have to be struggles. I was continually living with a sense of dread, with feelings of apprehension, nervousness, restlessness and unease. In those times I would try to reach out.

But the biggest thing was having to deal with bad thoughts and symptoms of anxiety, around my difficulties and I didn’t know why. And for as many times as I tried to grapple with those feelings, I would continue to struggle.

It’s a frightening place for a child. It doesn’t make it any easier when you can’t work through it, because you are unaware you have brain damage.


4 Jul, 2019

2 thoughts on “Never coming to terms

  1. Frightening is putting it mildly when going through difficulties as a child, but nobody ever even attempts to explain anything and acts like nothing is wrong.

    People act like you should just get over it, but I don’t think it’s something I will be able to come to terms with either. I’m trying to find a place in my mind to put those feelings, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, not easy to do but understanding does go some way to help. I know and have the reasoning behind my own experiences and that does help.

      Knowing it was never about you should help. I think sometimes acceptance comes when you’re tired of fighting a battle you know you’re never going to win.

      But rest assured, both your parents know now. No one goes to spirit without having to look at their life lessons and where they could have done things better.

      You didn’t get to tell them, they will know now.

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