No consolation

The CP Diary is no consolation for how I found out about cerebral palsy. It doesn’t right a wrong, but it does allow me to have a voice, to express what I feel about my experiences, and help me turn something negative into something positive.

It allows me to see that just because that was my life, doesn’t mean I need to allow that to continue. My blogs enable me to compartmentalise my experiences, so that I can understand and assign my experiences to a place that can’t hurt me anymore.

It doesn’t change or take away the responsibility of others who should have been instrumental in looking after my emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. Without writing about my experiences in the way I have, I know I would still struggle to understand and come to terms with my earlier life.

My Diary gives me understanding, whilst I get to do what I love to do. My writing heals. Others will always be responsible and will have to take responsibility for their actions, in what were very dark times for me, but now I shall not dwell.

The CP Diary allows me to have a voice for the very first time. Each word, each blog, write a wrongs and helps others too. I couldn’t be happier.

10 Jun, 2017

8 thoughts on “No consolation

  1. No, there definitely isn’t any consolation for the way you found out you had Cerebral Palsy and the reality of what you had to go through as a child.

    I was thinking the same thing about what I went through yesterday when I watched a neighbor consoling his child who must have crashed on his bicycle and remembering I didn’t have a dad who did that kind of thing. Both of us had issues that we had to deal with, but nobody ever really explained things, let alone offer us any sympathy while we were kids.

    Kind of like how my brother taught me to ride a bike. He stuck me on the seat, pushed me down the road and I either figured out how to ride it, or keep getting hurt from crashing. This was pretty much most of my childhood where I had to figure out so many things the hard way.

    My biggest question about my life was as to why people even bother having kids, if they don’t want to take care of them. I’m not meaning to insult your parents, but it sounds like they did the bare minimum that they had to do and only what was convenient for them!

    My parents did pretty much just that and even though they didn’t always say it directly, they made us feel like such a burden to them. Why even bother having us if we made their life suck so badly? I have spent most of my life feeling guilty for having ever been born, which is one of the cruelest things a parent can do to a child.

    They took away most of anything that I could have enjoyed about life, so what consolation can anyone provide for me now? It is pretty amazing that in using your own voice, you have also inspired me to work on using my own, even when those old tapes play and I feel like I’m not supposed to.

    God forbid anyone finds out the truth, when my truth shouldn’t be anything to be ashamed of, as far as mental health issues. I’m guessing that things may have been different, if I had gotten treatment as a teenager, but the reality is that I will never know.

    I’m at a crossroads now where have a choice between staying mired in what I have always known or having a life with a woman who makes me happy and I’m still so very torn about it. I have always done what was best for everyone else but now I may have a chance to actually do what’s right for me, for once in my life.

    Decisions, decisions? This is the kind of time, when I do get angry about being forced to always feel guilty about doing what it was that I wanted to do. This is something that no consolation would ever be able to make up for.

    1. Thanks Randy. I may have initially paved the way, but you’ve been instrumental too. I’m proud of how far you’ve come.

      You’ve had a difficult life with parents who clearly couldn’t cope. The other side to the coin in having had to live the life you had, is that you’ve become so much stronger. Our formative years either keep us stuck or they move us on emotionally.

      It’s so important for us to think about the life we want and try to make that happen, even if we have to change things to do it, and if you’re already at a crossroads you clearly are in a position to make a different choice.

      Generally, it’s important to base our decisions on who and what makes us happy. Having lived a life where I struggled and continued to struggle, I simply choose not to struggle now.

  2. There can never be any consolation for the abuse you were subjected to before you found out you had Cerebral Palsy. The universe will hold those to account for their actions.

    Would you have started your website had you always known you had Cerebral Palsy and would you be helping so many people in the way that you do. I suspect you probably wouldn’t.

    While of course this is no consolation, I believe it is the path that was mapped out for you to take.

    1. Thanks yes, whilst I know you’re right I always find it helpful to be able to rationale my thoughts, to work through those experiences.

      I agree with you. I also believe I am doing what I was meant to do and loving it.

  3. Plain and simple, the CP Dairy works for me. It’s a place where I get gentle loving slaps into reality and at the same time joy. It works!

    The Diary works for us Ilana; I hope it helps you as much as it helps us.

    1. Thanks Tim. It absolutely works for me too. I’m so pleased it helps and works for you also. You and Bonnie have made my day and year rolled into one and the year’s not even over yet!

      Yes, The CP Diary works!

  4. Yes, the Diary has been such great medicine, no therapist I’ve been to can or provide. I’m so happy you found relief in this website you created, in which it has benefited so many of us.

    Thank you.

    1. Thanks Bonnie. Me too. Thanks for your support. Yes, having been through therapy myself, my therapists weren’t able to help me either. Each week I would go in with the same questions, coming out even more unhappy and disillusioned.

      With my site and my blogs, I am able to go deeper into those explanations. My blogs consist of mindful explanations of what I deal with help me work through and understand exactly what I need to know.

      The site just works, my blogs just work. I’m absolutely over the moon that my site and blogs work for you too.

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