I have never looked on, or looked back on my childhood or disability, with rose coloured spectacles. It wasn’t that kind of childhood.
There were too many issues around a disability I didn’t know I had, and not being aware of what my disability was, or what it entailed around my presenting co-existing medical conditions and having to work through my childhood and through those myself, meant the spectacles would always be off.
Although it was never my early intention to write, as soon as I found out about my disability at the age of 46, it became clear that without being able to write about my disability in its entirety in a self-contained place, I would never know about my disability and would have had to go to the grave not knowing about me, my challenges, or my disability at all.
Not knowing and not having had the tools as a child to understand my disability or how to deal with it mentally or emotionally, means the reality now in Covid, is that I am not equipped to deal with it.
I am pleased I chose not to shy away from it though. Just being able to say, ‘that explains what I struggled with as a child, oh so that’s what that means,’ over the years has helped me continue to piece the jigsaw pieces together.
It is exactly what I needed. It doesn’t take away the fact that I was left in the dark, having to deal with a disability and without having the tools to understand. Now in a pandemic, just mentally trying to adjust is difficult.
Anyone dealing with a disability has to be able to function mentally. With help we may function better. With a 70% mental disability and in a pandemic, I may struggle to do that.