Not knowing gave me hope

26 Nov 2016

It’s hard to imagine how not knowing something can give you hope. I lived with hope, hope to believe that through a miracle I would get better and that whatever was wrong with me would miraculously right itself.

I continued to believe that what I was dealing with was only temporary and that with each passing day through exercise, physically I would heal. Looking back, so many internal thoughts, although conflicting, clearly saved me.

The irony is that through countless foot exercises with my mum, I knew my foot wasn’t going to heal, but that somehow I saw my other issues as challenges to be met and that I could heal, but I’m not sure why because the analogy would always have been the same. If my foot wouldn’t heal and I knew it wouldn’t, then neither would my other physical issues.

Perhaps spirit were trying to protect me. Perhaps also where no else was asking or answering my questions, part of me wasn’t quite willing to give up on myself and that because I didn’t know and I never understood what was wrong, I continued to live in hope that one day my physical issues would be a thing of the past. As a child those thoughts remained my primary focus.

If I had given up, I wouldn’t have stayed determined to find out what was wrong and I wouldn’t be here now with my site or my blogs. Even if we do know what’s wrong, it’s important we continue to live with hope. It’s easy to throw in the towel, but giving up for me would have been defeatist. Those who put us there would have won.

It’s also telling the world that we don’t care enough about ourselves to want to evolve, to learn, to grow, to change. We owe it to ourselves to do all of those things.  It doesn’t change how we get to where we are, but it allows us to move forward in a much better head space.

We owe it to ourselves to change the way we see and deal with what we have to deal with. We get one crack at the life thing, there’s no going back and we’re too important not to want to do the best for ourselves.

6 Responses to “Not knowing gave me hope”

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  1. Brad 26. Nov, 2016 at 3:57 pm #

    I can understand how you felt; while you didn’t know, there was always the possibility of things changing.

    But you know what. Now you know, you are giving hope to others and showing them how positivity can help and in the end. I think you won.

    • Ilana 26. Nov, 2016 at 4:02 pm #

      Thank you. Yes, looking at what I do with the Diary and what I have achieved; and not wanting to sound too over-confident, I feel I have won, having got past my challenges.

      It doesn’t change how I got to this place with my struggles of course. Those will always be etched in my memory; but as I continue to blog my thoughts out, my struggles and dark days have opened a door to more understanding.

  2. Randy 27. Nov, 2016 at 12:15 am #

    Yes, you never did give up hope, even when you knew something wasn’t right! With some people it makes them try even harder to succeed which I think you have done very well with, in your life.

    You have two beautiful children that you raised who seem to be doing very well for themselves, which is an achievement in itself. My own daughter has known what her issues were, but didn’t fight very hard to overcome them.

    I should have known that her mother wouldn’t be up to the task, but I got myself in to a predicament that has taken me a good 20 years to get out of. I gave up hope myself for the longest time, but now I’m trying to change things for the better.

    I can only hope and pray that my example of overcoming my issues will help to show my daughter that it can be done if you really try.

    • Ilana 27. Nov, 2016 at 8:18 am #

      Thanks Randy. Your last paragraph speaks volumes. Although your daughter may not talk to you about what you have overcome in terms of your issues, it doesn’t mean she’s not aware.

      Sometimes we completely aware, we just don’t say or talk about it, but that doesn’t mean our children aren’t proud. As the ties with your daughter begin to strengthen, what you know about your daughter will become obvious and what she knows about you will also become obvious.

      It’s always important for parents and their children to talk about the things that matter. But the key is not to give up hope on what we deal with.

      Where we’ve come from is massively important and how far we’ve come. Keep up the good fight as I am doing too.

  3. Tim 29. Nov, 2016 at 4:57 pm #

    You write everyday to investigate your life and possibly pardon those who have kept you in the dark so very long. I can imagine your nervousness of not knowing, a quiet nervousness.

    But inside of that something happened, something was born in the dark; something that made us urgently gravitate to your message.

    • Ilana 29. Nov, 2016 at 5:08 pm #

      I speak my truth, always have so it’s very difficult to know what those close to me think about what I write. That said, people see what they want to see. Although I say that with respect, it’s absolutely true.

      I live with a sadness that this has been my life, in parts it’s been incredibly difficult and dark, but somewhere in there I am also grateful and blessed that I was strong enough to turn my life around in such a positive way that helps other people too.

      It doesn’t change the facts behind my life, but it brings about more understanding for what I do now with The CP Diary.

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