Not knowing gave me hope

It is hard to imagine how not knowing about a diagnosis can give you hope, but for me, that is just what it did. I lived with hope, hope in the belief that I would get better and that whatever was wrong with me would right itself. I was comforted by hope.

I believed that what I was dealing with was only temporary and that with each passing day, through exercise, I would physically heal. Looking back, those thoughts, although conflicting at times, saved me.

But doing my daily foot exercises and seeing no change in my foot shape, meant I must have subconsciously known that my foot wasn’t going to heal, but I go back to hope: I saw my other issues as challenges to be met, and that made me believe I would heal. Of course, today I think and know differently. My foot wasn’t going to heal and neither was my leg. I needed to be realistic.

Looking back, through my spiritual beliefs, I believe spirit was trying to protect me, because even though no one else was asking or answering my questions, I wasn’t quite prepared to give up on myself. I wasn’t done yet. Although I didn’t know, and I never understood what was wrong, I continued to live with hope that I would find out more, or at least get a diagnosis. I never gave up on that. As a child, those thoughts continued to remain and be my primary focus.

If I had given up, I wouldn’t have learned about my diagnosis, or my symptoms and I wouldn’t be writing my memoir. It’s easy to throw in the towel, but whatever our circumstances, I still believe it is important we continue to live with hope.

We must want to evolve, to learn, to grow, to change. It doesn’t change how we get to where we are, or what our experiences are, they will always remain the same, but through growth, we allow ourselves to move on into a much better head space. I believe we owe it to ourselves to live with hope and to strive for the best possible outcomes.

26 Nov, 2016

6 thoughts on “Not knowing gave me hope

  1. I can understand how you felt; while you didn’t know, there was always the possibility of things changing.

    But you know what. Now you know, you are giving hope to others and showing them how positivity can help and in the end. I think you won.

    1. Thank you. Yes, looking at what I do with the Diary and what I have achieved; and not wanting to sound too over-confident, I feel I have won, having got past my challenges.

      It doesn’t change how I got to this place with my struggles of course. Those will always be etched in my memory; but as I continue to blog my thoughts out, my struggles and dark days have opened a door to more understanding.

  2. Yes, you never did give up hope, even when you knew something wasn’t right! With some people it makes them try even harder to succeed which I think you have done very well with, in your life.

    You have two beautiful children that you raised who seem to be doing very well for themselves, which is an achievement in itself. My own daughter has known what her issues were, but didn’t fight very hard to overcome them.

    I should have known that her mother wouldn’t be up to the task, but I got myself in to a predicament that has taken me a good 20 years to get out of. I gave up hope myself for the longest time, but now I’m trying to change things for the better.

    I can only hope and pray that my example of overcoming my issues will help to show my daughter that it can be done if you really try.

    1. Thanks Randy. Your last paragraph speaks volumes. Although your daughter may not talk to you about what you have overcome in terms of your issues, it doesn’t mean she’s not aware.

      Sometimes we completely aware, we just don’t say or talk about it, but that doesn’t mean our children aren’t proud. As the ties with your daughter begin to strengthen, what you know about your daughter will become obvious and what she knows about you will also become obvious.

      It’s always important for parents and their children to talk about the things that matter. But the key is not to give up hope on what we deal with.

      Where we’ve come from is massively important and how far we’ve come. Keep up the good fight as I am doing too.

  3. You write everyday to investigate your life and possibly pardon those who have kept you in the dark so very long. I can imagine your nervousness of not knowing, a quiet nervousness.

    But inside of that something happened, something was born in the dark; something that made us urgently gravitate to your message.

    1. I speak my truth, always have so it’s very difficult to know what those close to me think about what I write. That said, people see what they want to see. Although I say that with respect, it’s absolutely true.

      I live with a sadness that this has been my life, in parts it’s been incredibly difficult and dark, but somewhere in there I am also grateful and blessed that I was strong enough to turn my life around in such a positive way that helps other people too.

      It doesn’t change the facts behind my life, but it brings about more understanding for what I do now with The CP Diary.

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Ilana x