Open about my life

I’ve always been open about what I deal with, even before The CP Diary was born. It’s my way of trying to understand, deal with and look for answers on the many issues around a disability I didn’t know I had, that weren’t being addressed.

As they say a problem halved is a problem shared and although I still deal with issues, it feels easier when others can relate, then I know I’m not alone. If I struggle I write a blog and if I find a way through, it’s in my blog.

I sadly have to continue to keep my thoughts together, to keep fear, anxiety and panic at bay. There is nothing hidden and nothing excluded from my blogs. My experiences are outlined, exactly as I have experienced them.

I hope that my being open about what I deal with, will continue to encourage others to open-up about about what they deal with, not only here on the site, but in their own personal lives too.

31 Aug, 2017

8 thoughts on “Open about my life

  1. Thank you. I’m beginning to learn what it’s like to talk about my physical disorder. I’ve always been told to be ‘happy because I can walk, there are so many that have difficulty walking and some simply cant.’

    As much as that is so very true and I am very thankful to my parents, the doctors, and God; in other meaning it was meant to stop me feeling sorry for myself and getting attention.

    So I hesitate talking about it, for fear of sending the wrong message when I’m mostly just venting or trying to make a point about my difficulties.

    1. Thanks Bonnie. Although I will always understand other people’s sentiments, about how lucky we’re meant to be; I personally don’t buy into that rhetoric.

      As a child I had the same kind of thing thrown back at me when I tried to talk about my physical issues. But you have as much right as the next person to ‘vent’ about what you deal with. It was even more important for you and I to vent because we were dealing with a physical disability. Our families needed to help us.

      I knew not to vent, but when certain family members did listen, I got slightly different comments, but the underlying message was the same. Never ‘excuse yourself’ or ‘feel bad’ for talking about what your family should be clearly talking to you about.

      Through my Diary and my many understandings of my life and life in general, we get to talk about the things that matter for ourselves. But to do that, we must be able to ‘open up.’ Through my blogs and my site we get to open up.

      You’re doing great. I’m so proud of you Bonnie. Being open will start opening more doors more than you think, particularly around your emotional freedom… to be who you are and to say what you need to say.

  2. Yes, being open and honest has been one of the hardest things for me to do in my life, seeing as I was forced not to be both, by my parents and the environments that we lived in as kids.

    It wasn’t safe to open up to people, plus the fact that they really didn’t seem to care anyway. We were subjected to horrors that no child should ever have to see and expected to just ‘take the pain’ so to speak and not say a word as to what we were going through.

    It’s no wonder I have such trouble talking about what I’m really feeling, since I had years of mental conditioning that doing so was such a bad thing. What kind of parents knowingly force their children to just keep their mouths shut, rather than ask for things that they actually need?

    This is just such a loaded subject for me, seeing as it stirs up that seething cauldron of guilt, shame and remorse which my parents put into place to keep me from exposing the family secrets.

    I actually get physically ill from trying to be open and honest, so I spend most of my time trying not to think about any of that stuff, which is pretty ridiculous and exhausting.

    People usually range from not being able to relate or being judgmental and condescending because we shouldn’t feel that way about our parents, family, etc which makes you wonder why you even bothered trying to open up about it.

    I actually feel the tears welling up thinking about it, because there is such a sense of sadness and despair that goes along with trying to process what I went through and why I did things the way I did.

    It just would be so very nice to be able to be open and honest about my life and not feel suicidal every time afterwards. This has been what has kept me a prisoner of my own fears, doubts and insecurities for most of my life.

    There were many things I wanted to do with my life, but didn’t dare to, because it would involve me having to open up about myself which wasn’t allowed. By the time I was old enough to escape, it was too late and the damage had already been done.

    My mother did a fantastic job of breaking my spirit and I went out into the world not even being able to defend myself from those who would seek to harm me and take advantage of my emotional weakness.

    It was and still is one of the biggest hurdles that I have to overcome, so that I can hopefully someday soon at least feel comfortable in my own skin.

    1. You open up more than you think you do Randy and you do very well at it.

      It’s important for all of us to recognise our past with our upbringing and bring some closure on the experiences we’ve had.

      You recognise a lot of what your mother has done Randy and although it creates sadness and anger in you, it’s something you can work to change.

      You being open is a start towards that change. I remember honing in on the negative around my school years and that’s how it continued until one day it dawned on me that the negativity I was carrying didn’t belong to me.

      My mindset continued to be one way until my mid thirties, when I began to see the bigger picture unfold in front of me and that’s the point Randy. None of what your mum did to you belongs to you and yet you carry it as if you’re responsible.

      Being open and honest about your life (and you’re already doing that) and what you need to change is the first step towards healing and change.

      You have started the transition already Randy. I see where you are, with your struggles, but I also see an open door for change. You’ve just got to want to open it yourself and emotionally let go of what doesn’t belong to you.

      You can’t change your experiences, only you. What other people think shouldn’t be your concern.

  3. Thank you very much. You’ve made me feel encouraged and not guilty for saying anything.

    There are many times when I do open up to a friend or family, then the subject turns into themselves. And that’s okay because they need to talk too.

    But when talks like that do come up, I feel shut down right away because I was interrupted and not getting a word in edge ways and filled with the other person’s issues instead.

    Is that wrong or selfish to notice that?

    1. Thanks Bonnie. No, I don’t see it as selfish at all. You have a right to talk about your physical disability and others should want to listen, to help you.

      I find it sad when people turn the attention on themselves and start talking about their own issues, when people with a disability are trying to talk about their difficulties, living with a disability. As a child, I stopped trying to talk about my difficulties for that same reason.

      There would be a time and a place to talk about what they need of course, but it’s not at that time. You have every right to feel shut down Bonnie.

  4. Thank you Ilana. You’re the best. I like to know if I’m thinking narrow-minded in any way and learn to gain a new perspective.

    1. You understand so much Bonnie. No you’re not narrow-minded, you’re the total opposite because you’re open to new suggestions. That’s how we learn.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Order my new book

Ilana x