Out of my hands

7 May 2017

I know hand on heart that if it wasn’t for my thoughts and bringing clarity on those thoughts, I’d be in a worse off emotional place. My thoughts on my experiences, together with my writing and my Diary have kept me grounded.

I was swept along by a crust of a wave, with decisions that were made for me. Those decisions weren’t the run of the mill small decisions either that served to change nothing. The decisions that were made for me would take me down a different path, to the ones I might have chosen for myself.

Expectations on how I was supposed to live my life were placed on me from a very early age. There was no mediation on that. I wasn’t expected to have ambitions, I was solely expected to get married. That would replace university, choices about travel, meeting new people, moving home and becoming independent for the first time.

All of those things were options for someone else. There weren’t any discussions. It’s also wasn’t an option for me to make my own decision on when I got married. I was expected to fall into line, follow in another sibling’s footsteps, whether those footsteps were right for me or not. The relationship was immaterial it was all about the duration.

It was something expected, anticipated. I was to fall into line. I am not sure how that sounds, or whether it sounds credulous that I would have allowed those things to happen, but they were completely out of my control.

It was one person’s control that would change my path.

4 Responses to “Out of my hands”

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  1. Randy 08. May, 2017 at 3:31 am #

    Yes, there are so many expectations put upon us from an early age, but no one really stops to consider what it is that we may want. I grew up in a world where I wasn’t expected to do much more than be my mother’s emotional teddy bear.

    She never really seemed to think of me doing anything else and went out of her way to break my spirit, so that I would. I have always been forced to make decisions based on what was best for everyone else, so it’s no wonder I have spent most of my life doing just that.

    I have been in the same kind of relationships, but just with different people. My life wasn’t ever really my own, seeing as my mom did such a fantastic job of brainwashing me. Now at this stage in my life, I’m realizing that what I have to work on is the same as the work they have to do to deprogram cult members, since that’s pretty much what I went through.

    They expected me to believe what they believed without question, even though we most certainly weren’t living a christian life at home. The details are almost irrelevant at this point, other than the fact that it is okay for me to live my own life for the very first time.

    I get to choose how the rest of my life goes rather than trying to please a lot of people who don’t even exist anymore. My mom is dead and my dad is well on his way there, so they can’t control my life anymore.

    I just want to be able to enjoy my life and be comfortable in my own skin for a change.

    • Ilana 08. May, 2017 at 7:18 am #

      Thanks Randy. Yes, you’re absolutely right. It is okay for you to live your own life. I say that from my own place of experience. And I believe you can. I believe in you.

      What’s gone is gone and it is good to reflect, so that we get to understand our experiences and how they happened, let go and then move on.

      I believe you now get to choose how the rest of your life goes. Now it’s about putting all of your experiences into practice through new much better healthier experiences and being comfortable with your choices.

  2. Tim 09. May, 2017 at 3:22 am #

    I’m thinking how you carried a lantern and found your way through some difficult times, while giving others nerve medicine along the way.

    A fact that you give us a little more energy to make sure our feet don’t stumble.

    • Ilana 09. May, 2017 at 6:15 am #

      Thanks Tim. Yes, the truth is that without my thoughts in tow as a small child, I wouldn’t have got this far.

      My ability to work and think things through saved me from some very dark, difficult times. Through those difficult times, I always had an innate feeling that all would come good.

      I never let go of that feeling that one day I would get to find out. I would hold on to that feeling unconsciously for many years. It was my beacon of hope, that one day I would at least get to find out.

      And that whilst I continue to explore my feelings through my many experiences, I work on my understandings too. It is those understandings that I bring to my daily blog.

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