Past thoughts, current feelings

I was always going to get to this point after my father’s passing, where I would begin to feel slight resentment. We all have a history with our loved ones that pass; there is bound to be something they’ve taken to the grave that we’re not happy about.

It would be odd if we didn’t. It took me 46 years to find out about Cerebral Palsy. Unfortunately, I was never given the opportunity to talk about it in depth. There were questions I wanted and tried to ask growing up.

I know my father knows now how I feel because I managed that and that now draws a little comfort. I cannot change the bigger issues around this, but I must just be okay with how far I got.


15 Apr, 2013

10 thoughts on “Past thoughts, current feelings

  1. I’m sure a lot of us have questions that are now impossible to get answers to because the person we want to ask has passed on.

    I feel your questions should have been answered a long time ago. It was wrong of your parents to keep this information from you.

    I hope you can find some peace about this soon.

  2. Somehow death has a way of providing answers that we did not receive in life. The answers to your questions will eventually surface to help you bring closure to past thoughts and current feelings.

    The CP Diary family will comfort you during this chapter of reflection and thought.

    1. Thanks Tim. Unfortunately I believe the answers for me won’t come from my father’s passing. It will be something I have to work on myself.

      All my father’s passing has done has brought about closure on this particular subject. I can no longer talk to him about my CP and I know that would have brought about closure.

      I know I will eventually have closure.

    1. I think this is one time where I have no choice and you’re right, I simply must choose to move on.

      My circumstances have made it like that. I have been left with no choice. Thanks Randy.

  3. As Randy says we don’t always find the answer we seek. Sometimes we have to accept what is or was and move on.

    Someone once told me her philosophy on life is ‘things come and things go.’ A simple saying but when you think about a very clever one.

    1. I agree completely, although if we have control and let go that is different to not having control and having to let go.

      I know I have to let go. I have no choice now of course, but it’s always that much harder to let go when we have no control. If I could have determined all of that for myself I would have let go already.

  4. Yes, I had a lot of questions for both my parents but they always blamed each other for the way things went, which was highly annoying. I don’t think either of them fully comprehended the full extent of my mental health issues and how they pretty much destroyed my life.

    I know I should have pushed them harder myself when I had the chance, but it seemed almost like such a waste of time to do so. Now all I can do is try to do better with accepting myself as the way I am so that I can try to help my own daughter with the many issues she faces.

    I only hope I can do better for her than my own parents did for me!

    1. I love this response Randy. You’ve hit the nail on the head. You realised that even if you could have spoken to your parents about their many failings of you, it would still have been a waste of time because they were so intent on blaming each other to even notice your problems.

      I think that the fact you recognised these traits meant you were clearly more mature and aware than they were and did the right thing to ignore it, but that must have been tough.

      I know you will do better for your daughter. You already are because you’re not ignoring her problems like your parents ignored yours.

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