Persistent qualities

Thoughts about my disability are never far away and is the reason for another daily blog. I’m not sure how old I was when it became clear to me that even without my disability, I would have had little opportunity around an education and travel. I would have had to have had a different culture and parenting to achieve it.

Looking back, it was only on the back of my persistence that I eventually found out what had been wrong with me for all of those years. The sad reality is that I lived through each experience not knowing for sure if I was ever going to know what my disability was. There was a time when I was beginning to give up hope.

I know that although I’ve had to continually work on acceptance of my experiences, I should never have been put through them. My anger issues as a child were solely as a result of a disability ignored and my inability to cope emotionally and physically had nothing to do with me as a person. What you see through my writing is how I always was.

The unfairness of being labelled and being blamed for anger issues is wholly inexcusable and unacceptable, but through that I know my persistence saved me. It was something I unconsciously felt I needed to do. It’s also necessary if something we’re having to deal with isn’t being met.

I know that if I had my time again I would do the same thing. It’s brought me to my writing and my blog and I couldn’t be happier.

23 Oct, 2018

4 thoughts on “Persistent qualities

  1. I’m pretty sure I was around 14 when I felt like my life wasn’t ever going to go anywhere and nothing I accomplished would ever matter after what my mother did to finally break my spirit.

    People give me a hard time when I speak ill of my mother, but they didn’t have to live through what I did as a child, or have to be subjected to the amount of torture and brainwashing that I was subjected to.

    Even now I’m emotionally paralysed by the thought of having to deal with moving because of what I went through, which people don’t understand; seeing as they’re always telling me what I should do.

    Part of me wants to be so very angry about this, but once again a woman has control of my life and I don’t feel like I have the strength left to fight this battle over again.

    My persistent quality has been that I know how to take the pain and withstand an extreme amount of abuse that would destroy most people.

    Part of me knows that I don’t deserve it, but there’s the other part that doesn’t really know any different, so I remain trapped in the prison of my own mind.

    It’s just such a struggle between doing what I know would be right for me, or fighting to the bitter end over something as simple as an apartment.

    Getting what I think I deserve isn’t something I ever really fought for before, so I’m having a hard time just giving up. In this case, unfortunately, it comes down to it being a matter of surrendering to win, seeing as my girlfriend’s just as stubborn as I am and refuses to back down.

    My anger issues stem from always being forced to accept what was being done to me and that which was taken away from me. Giving up isn’t something I do very easily, but at this point I’m shooting myself in the foot just to get what I want, and the only one suffering is me.

    My girlfriend wants the apartment, so it looks like I’m just going to have to let her have it, even though she pestered me into putting my name on the lease as the head of household. This technically made it mine, but she’s claiming she was here first, hence the war that has been going on for the past few years.

    The reality is that I have better things to be doing with my time, like having the peace and quiet to do my writing and to be able to do more normal things like inviting friends over to watch our favorite shows together.

    I haven’t ever really had much of a normal life, but it would be great to finally find out what that could be like.

    1. Thanks Randy. It’s a difficult one, but from what I know, when it comes to rented property, if the tenancy agreement is in a person’s name, then they have the right to remain in the property and whilst they do, they are responsible for making sure the rent is paid.

      Where a person’s name is on the tenancy agreement, they have first refusal to say what they want, regardless of who was in the flat first.

      Our upbringing and how we’ve been conditioned to behave tends to play a large part in our adult relationships and that’s never easy. We need to be persistent in want we want from our relationships.

      I know from my own experiences, being persistent is what brought me to this place. It’s important we rethink how we do things.

  2. Thank goodness for your persistence. Your persistence combined with your other qualities to save you and to overcome the difficulties others put upon you, enabled you to get to the better place you are in now.

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Ilana x