Reaching tolerance

I hope to one day wake up and view cerebral palsy and Autism and how I got to this place with a level of tolerance.

My Autism confirmation report has thrown me into a false sense of confidence once again. Not knowing and then learning more about a disability I didn’t know I had tends to do that to me. I am grounded enough to know these were my experiences and I need to own them, but I’m not okay with how I got to this place around my disability; having to continually defend myself just so I can be me.

Over the years I’ve had to have tolerance and a willingness to tackle prejudice around my disability, near and far; just trying to be me. I have chosen to be open about my struggles because it helps me stay strong mentally and to stay open-minded enough not to judge or carry prejudice towards those who should have protected me, even though over the years I was continually being exposed to both.

Acceptance on the other hand moves beyond tolerance, accepting that other people’s behaviour is okay. With 55 years of abuse, neglect and trauma behind me, it’s simply not okay. We can tolerate something without accepting it, but we cannot accept something without tolerating it.

How I got to this place and only now being diagnosed with Asperger’s, I’m not sure I will ever have acceptance. Wilful acts on this scale are intentional, conscious and directed towards achieving a purpose, in my case it was for me not to know about my disability. All those responsible have never accepted responsibility, therefore it will be difficult for me to settle on acceptance.

For anything that’s done wilfully, acceptance on our part allows others to get away with and let go of what they’ve done and that cannot be acceptable, but it’s not something we should ever condone. In my case, I’ve been through too much trauma, abuse and neglect for that.


5 Feb, 2019

2 thoughts on “Reaching tolerance

  1. People always expect us to have a high level of tolerance, but they haven’t been through any of the experiences that we have, so they don’t have a clue.

    It’s pretty much like in AA, where they’re always preaching about acceptance but never saying that it doesn’t mean we have to like what happened to us.

    We both went through childhoods where people treated us like nothing was wrong, when it was so blatantly obvious that there were serious problems that we had to deal with.

    I’m dealing with some of those issues now, as I need to extract myself from a toxic relationship which is hard to do, when I was brainwashed into thinking that it was my purpose in life to make someone else happy, no matter the price.

    So, yes I can relate to what you’re talking about, since knowing what the problems were, doesn’t make up for a lifetime of abuse and neglect.

    I have wasted most of my life taking the pain when anyone else wouldn’t have tolerated it, but that’s what I was trained to do. It becomes a very hard habit to break.

    I often wonder what it’s like to have a normal life like other people, where they don’t feel guilty about living their life the way they want to.

    At 50 years old I’m left wondering why I even bother on some days, when I have people pressuring me to do things that I’m not comfortable doing; simply because I haven’t ever done them.

    I haven’t been able to enjoy living my own life because that wasn’t something I was allowed to do. I want to be able to enjoy what time I have left and be comfortable in my own skin for a change.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, we live what we know, what we’ve been taught and don’t stop to question it until we stop and then question it.

      As you say Randy nothing makes up for a lifetime of neglect and abuse, but there’s no point living in those times mentally, because it will only make you feel more irritated.

      Your parents are well aware of what they put you through whilst they were on this side of life and on the other side. We are all presented with our life story the other side of life.

      It’ll be good for you to find a way through so that you can begin to live your life because that’s what you deserve to have.

      You may not have been allowed to live your life, but you get to choose the life you want now, with a few adjustments.

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