I hope to one day wake up and view cerebral palsy and Autism and how I got to this place with a level of tolerance.
My Autism confirmation report has thrown me into a false sense of confidence once again. Not knowing and then learning more about a disability I didn’t know I had tends to do that to me. I am grounded enough to know these were my experiences and I need to own them, but I’m not okay with how I got to this place around my disability; having to continually defend myself just so I can be me.
Over the years I’ve had to have tolerance and a willingness to tackle prejudice around my disability, near and far; just trying to be me. I have chosen to be open about my struggles because it helps me stay strong mentally and to stay open-minded enough not to judge or carry prejudice towards those who should have protected me, even though over the years I was continually being exposed to both.
Acceptance on the other hand moves beyond tolerance, accepting that other people’s behaviour is okay. With 55 years of abuse, neglect and trauma behind me, it’s simply not okay. We can tolerate something without accepting it, but we cannot accept something without tolerating it.
How I got to this place and only now being diagnosed with Asperger’s, I’m not sure I will ever have acceptance. Wilful acts on this scale are intentional, conscious and directed towards achieving a purpose, in my case it was for me not to know about my disability. All those responsible have never accepted responsibility, therefore it will be difficult for me to settle on acceptance.
For anything that’s done wilfully, acceptance on our part allows others to get away with and let go of what they’ve done and that cannot be acceptable, but it’s not something we should ever condone. In my case, I’ve been through too much trauma, abuse and neglect for that.