Recognising my achievements

17 Nov 2016

As a child I was never given credit, recognition or valued. This led to a lack of self-worth and confidence. My most significant achievement to date is The CP Diary and yet sadly, I find it difficult to equate the success of my achievement, with me being instrumental in attaining that achievement.

Where others recognise and see their achievements as being success stories, I have to tell myself this is my success and I need to embrace it. As much as I try to recognise my success in this way, I sadly don’t.

As a child although I was struggling emotionally and physically, the truth is that I had already been written off. The uncertainties that come with a child with a disability, was made all the more difficult for me, when one parent wanted to know and the other parent didn’t and they both lived in denial over what I was dealing with physically.

Unfortunately, living with a disability may always bring about negative attention for that child for the wrong reasons. If anything, it gets worse the older the child gets because there is even more pressure as the child becomes an adult. Although it’s our job to give children the attention and input they need, more value is often put on children seen as requiring little effort, who are more independent and are less needy.

Although I struggled with self-worth, I am now determined to equate my success with my site back. Even with my neurological impairments I need to keep reminding myself about what I do.

I must begin to see and equate The CP Diary as my success story, because this is what I’m told it is.

 

6 Responses to “Recognising my achievements”

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  1. Randy 17. Nov, 2016 at 10:38 am #

    Yes, you should consider this blog a great achievement, since it has helped me out tremendously in the time I have been reading it. You have also helped me out personally through our many chats, since we had similar experiences as children and adults.

    We do live in a world where people tend to value self sufficiency and independence as assets, but asking for help is seen as a weakness. I learned how to take care of myself as a child as a matter of survival, rather than it being part of my nature. My parents were pretty oblivious to our existence most of the time so we were usually left to fend for ourselves. We might as well been raised by wolves, considering they threw us out to them and expected us to know how to survive.

    You were raised in a very similar fashion where your parents expected you to just know what to do even though they never really acknowledged your issues. Hard to imagine any parent thinking of their child as defective, but it sounds like what you experienced. They never came out and said it directly, but from what you say, they never really addressed the issue either.

    My parents barely even noticed I existed, other than when they wanted something from me, like attention or affection. My Mother treated me like her emotional teddy bear, while my dad seemed to resent the fact I appeared to be a momma’s boy, which wasn’t by my choice. I had a lot of issues they never knew how to deal with is, what seemed to be the case.

    Needless to say, it’s no wonder I have such a hard time recognizing my own achievements too. I grew up feeling like I could have done something like win a Nobel prize and it wouldn’t have mattered. My brother and sister were the stars of the family, so I spent most of my time living in their shadows.

    I grew up having to pretty much beg and grovel for what little scraps of attention they would give me, which is why I detest having to ask for help now. I spent most of my childhood being the dancing monkey, as the only way to get attention, so it’s no wonder I don’t think very highly of myself or my accomplishments.

    My biggest one was having such a beautiful daughter who ended up with CP herself, which I took on as something I had done wrong.
    Not that she was defective, but more the matter of she didn’t deserve to have to pay for my mistakes. My parents made us feel like we were responsible for all of their hardships which was wrong on so many levels. We didn’t ask to be born, so it wasn’t our fault.

    I wanted so badly to be a better parent than my own were, but refused to ask for help with my issues, which only served to make things one hundred times worse. I didn’t fight for my daughter’s sake in a divorce, which I should have considering I was actually the better parent at the time.

    I will regret that mistake for the rest of eternity, considering she wasn’t raised to achieve much of anything, which is truly sad. I can only now try to help her as much as I can, so that we can actually grow up more together.

    • Ilana 17. Nov, 2016 at 10:59 am #

      Thanks Randy. You can’t regret something you’re not guilty. Your childhood isn’t something you’re responsible for.

      If you had emotionally been up to the job of raising your daughter, you would have made a different decision to have custody and raise her, but at that time you probably weren’t up to the job.

      Making a decision like that isn’t taken lightly, but it’s a decision made because we feel it in our children’s best interests. You’re also not responsible for your ex-wife’s inability to parent your daughter the way you would have done. Don’t blame yourself for that.

      Your reasons were justified, the Universe will be aware and won’t stand in judgment on your decision, so it’s a pity you’re being too hard on yourself now. Emotionally you need to heal. When we bring ourselves down over past decisions that were made with the best of intentions, we will always struggle. Perhaps it’s now time to let that go Randy, you’re a good guy.

      In my own case I know my father couldn’t cope with my disability and although my physical issues were mild, he had a hard time accepting my physical issues. Those were his issues. That doesn’t make it right or justifies his actions. He didn’t want to know, but there’s no point in dwelling on something I can’t change, so I choose to remain upbeat about it.

      Through my thoughts and feelings, I try to bring about purpose to my blogs, to find a way through, without justification to those who have wronged me. I look for the positives. It doesn’t change my experiences, but it does bring more clarity, explanation and understanding into the equation and that helps me heal.

      When you look at your experiences from a similar view point Randy, I too believe you will begin to heal.

  2. Brad 17. Nov, 2016 at 12:21 pm #

    If you ever needed validation and recognition you should get it in side full, from all your work on your blog and all the people you help daily and that should help you see what a huge success you have made form your site and all the positivity it teaches.

    As for your childhood, your parents for sure will be well aware of their shortcomings. They at least taught you how not to do things and of the need to change things in your own parenting.

    Learning form other mistakes and not repeating them is actually a valuable lesson, albeit one which you would rather not have had to go through yourself.

    If I could hand out medals you would get my best one.

    • Ilana 17. Nov, 2016 at 12:36 pm #

      Thank you. Yes, I can see what I’ve done, but I don’t recognise what I’ve done, but feel I owe it to myself to be able to recognise and equate the whole site thing.

      Although it is recent find about my parents, I am sure they will know, although I think one would recognise that more than the other. We get to know our parents well. I do think you’re right about the parenting thing. We do get to know how not to do things.

      I was aware from an early age and have made a conscious effort to change things for my own children, who are both now reaping the benefits and are doing well for themselves.

      I am saddened by the fact that I am struggling to recognise something I’ve done, that what I’m doing is not only changing my life and attitude to life, but is possibly helping others too.

  3. Tim 17. Nov, 2016 at 5:29 pm #

    You’ve done amazing things on a very large scale at an early age actually, long before The CP Diary was born. Your cleared eyed way of viewing the world began in your adolescent years; that early period in your credibility when you were changing your life, one day at a time.

    You took something out of nothing and made it enormous, struggling until things fell into place. Undisputedly, you were way successful before you even realized it.

    • Ilana 17. Nov, 2016 at 5:46 pm #

      Awww thanks Tim. Now when you put it like that I see it. Seriously though, I just need to find a way to equate the success of my achievements, with me being instrumental.

      I think I’ve found a way… watch this space for more.

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