Redressing the balance

Sadly, I was still struggling with the fact that I’d failed in school and couldn’t emotionally move on from that. I carried the guilt because I was made to feel responsible.

I had already thrown my school reports away because I couldn’t bear to read them, but not telling myself why that simply added to my guilt. It would go on to take me another 26 years to find the confidence and to feel I was ready to do something about it. At the age of 44 I went back into study, but this time I chose a course I had an interest in that would allow me to have a go and to redress the balance.

I also chose distance learning because it was something I felt I could cope with that wasn’t in a classroom situation. I had tutors I could call on, but by that time I was already working from my intuition and didn’t feel I needed them. I couldn’t study full time because my concentration was poor, so it was something I dipped into periodically throughout the day.

I have now gone on to complete three accredited Diploma courses and passed with Distinction. Being successful at my studies was a turning point for me. It was also a culmination of my being able to work from my intuition, working at my own pace and not be under any sort of pressure.

Each individual course needed to be completed within 2 years, but that seemed a long way off. I had time. I had grown in confidence and had begun to understand my life a little more. I was ready to accept this new challenge. I had to do something to change my experiences. I couldn’t emotionally move on without it.

I was beginning to move forward in leaps and bounds but most of all I was beginning to find myself.

8 Mar, 2018

2 thoughts on “Redressing the balance

  1. By going back to successfully study you have proved to yourself and others that your school years were not your responsibility.

    Distance learning is not easy and you have to be committed, dedicated and capable of studying that way. Having tried and given up, I know that form of study is not for me.

    I am pleased that you have ‘redressed the balance’ on that and other things and hope that those responsible can see now that the responsibility was not yours to own in the first place.

    1. Thank you. Your response brings me comfort where I had none.

      It’s taken me many years to be able to ‘redress the balance.’ It wasn’t something I wasn’t going to address, but emotionally we have to be up to it.

      Our circumstances to some degree also have to change. A secret up to the point where my mum sadly found out she was terminally ill gave me a snippet of her own difficulties around my birth and that was my open door.

      I have my mum to thank. I believe although she couldn’t say, she wanted me to know. Now telling ‘My Story’ although long overdue, needs to be told.

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