Redressing the balance

I have never got over my education. Emotionally I was struggling with the fact that I felt I had failed in school. I couldn’t emotionally move on because no one else was taking responsibility, so I carried the guilt.

I had already thrown my school reports away because I couldn’t bear to read them and that added further to my guilt. It would go on to take me another 26 years to do something about it. At the age of 44, I went back into study, but this time I chose a course I had an interest in, that would allow me to try to excel.

I chose distance learning because it was something I could tackle. I had tutors I could call on, but by that time I had learned to work from my intuition and didn’t feel the need. My intuition was my eyes and ears. I couldn’t study full time because my concentration was poor, so I studied a little each day and that worked. I was making headway for the first time. It felt good.

I have completed a few accredited Diploma courses and passed each course with a Distinction. I have put my success down to a culmination of being able to work from my intuition, working at my own pace and not putting myself under too much pressure. Each course needed to be completed within 2 years.

I had grown in confidence and had begun to understand my life a little more, now it was the right time for me to physically do something to change parts of my past. I couldn’t emotionally move on without it; it was the reason why I kept going back to thoughts about my failings in school. This was to be my first ever change.

I consider that finding out about myself and what I was dealing with and starting The CP Diary are part of my personal success.

8 Mar, 2018

2 thoughts on “Redressing the balance

  1. By going back to successfully study you have proved to yourself and others that your school years were not your responsibility.

    Distance learning is not easy and you have to be committed, dedicated and capable of studying that way. Having tried and given up, I know that form of study is not for me.

    I am pleased that you have ‘redressed the balance’ on that and other things and hope that those responsible can see now that the responsibility was not yours to own in the first place.

    1. Thank you. Your response brings me comfort where I had none.

      It’s taken me many years to be able to ‘redress the balance.’ It wasn’t something I wasn’t going to address, but emotionally we have to be up to it.

      Our circumstances to some degree also have to change. A secret up to the point where my mum sadly found out she was terminally ill gave me a snippet of her own difficulties around my birth and that was my open door.

      I have my mum to thank. I believe although she couldn’t say, she wanted me to know. Now telling ‘My Story’ although long overdue, needs to be told.

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