Same old thoughts

I am still struggling with the concept that I was left to fumble in the dark for 46 years of my life not knowing I lived with a disability or what it was, having no emotional support to deal with the enormity of it and being exposed to each of its elements.

Knowing about my disability now instead of when I was a child isn’t resting with me. Being alone with those thoughts isn’t easy. The realisation of what happened and the concealment involved never leaves.

Although I know why, it still doesn’t help. Perhaps I need to stop thinking about whether I will get over it and tell myself it happened, so I’m okay with it and so I can find a place. I still have a long way to go.

My story isn’t something you just get over given the time concerned, but is something I must reconcile. This is where my writing helps: but I’m still not sure I ever will.

8 May, 2019

4 thoughts on “Same old thoughts

  1. Yes, very much so. It isn’t something that you can just get over, as if it never happened, like so many people think that you can and/or should be able to do.

    I finally have time to think by myself more often and I find myself thinking about all of the what ifs? Kind of hard not to when you wonder how much better your life could have been if you had known what the problems were and received the encouragement and treatment to deal with those issues.

    It was why I decided to skip my counselling today, seeing as talking about it repeatedly only seems to make me feel even worse most of the time.

    The reality of my life now is that I have to take the action to deal with focusing on staying in the present moment which can be very difficult at times. I’m dealing with a person who seems intent on destroying my credit and reputation so that has been quite the challenge.

    I can’t afford to stoop to her level and retaliate even as much as I want to, because that is exactly what she wants me to do. I have far too much work to do on myself to bother wasting time with such childish games.

    I don’t want to behave like the person I used to be, seeing as I have come too far to even consider going backwards. Nothing will ever make the past right and even as much as I despise that fact, I have to learn to accept it for what it was and be able to move on.

    Once again I can so relate to what you’re going through.

    1. Thanks Randy. That’s kind. I love that you have moved on and you’re seeing your life as it was and how it is now. I also love that you have moved on and although you’re coming face to face with your past, you’re not there anymore.

      It’s fine to look and use your past as a stepping stone, or as lessons to move on. No, we don’t forget we understand our experiences, how those memories look, but we don’t live there anymore.

      It’s nice we’re on the same page. Where you are is just fine. Embrace your new life. You have control, it doesn’t have control of you.

  2. Perhaps you aren’t meant to ‘get over’ it. I mean things don’t come any bigger and I don’t think you need to feel the need to get over it.

    I agree you can try and reconcile it, find someplace for it so it is not all consuming and I believe that you will achieve that with time and with your unending strength of character.

    1. Thanks, I’d like to think so. I think you’re right though, I need to take the pressure off myself to think I can.

      I don’t need to, but I must accept it’s happened.

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