Scrambling in the dark

Not knowing why something didn’t look or feel right growing up around a disability I didn’t know I had, was scary. It also heightened my anxiety through autism that I also didn’t know I had.

It was scary because I didn’t know why I felt anxious, scary when I felt panicked, scary when things visually didn’t look right, not easily forgivable, because there was no forgiveness from those who should have done more to protect me. Scrambling in the dark isn’t somewhere I imagined I would be.

The biggest travesty was being left to struggle in school when as a small child one of my consultants had already highlighted a learning deficit as a potential problem, and no one did anything about it. Each day I would go back into school to fail.

The one thing my experiences have taught me is that no matter how bad my life has been, I knew history must never repeat itself. Whilst I was never in a position to correct anyone’s behaviour, with my own children I have done things differently. They continue to have my emotional support.

And whilst we cannot change our past or that of our experiences, our experiences shape us, our present and how we will cope. No child should ever have to scramble, let alone a child with a disability and learning difficulties she didn’t know she had.


9 Aug, 2019

2 thoughts on “Scrambling in the dark

  1. No child should ever have to suffer through the things we did, especially when there no reason to. We didn’t have a say, which wasn’t fair.

    People often talk about what fantastic childhoods they had and I can’t relate, since mine was rather horrific. We grew up in a time when kids like us fell through the cracks, while nowadays they would be more likely to catch on to our issues and help us to deal with them.

    It would have been great to have had an actual support system as a child, but that didn’t happen. Now I just have to make time to do my best and not waste any more time, focusing on the things I can’t change.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, I think it depends on the parents and the upbringing.

      I’m just pleased we’ve both come through the other end of having to scramble through the dark to tell a tale or two.

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