Stolen opportunities

Now that my father is no longer with me, when I continue to look back at my life to this point, my thoughts become uneasy.

I hate it even more because I didn’t get to this place through my own decisions and that’s not resting so easy. To be parents, we must be selfless. Whatever has happened in our own past, mustn’t spill into our children’s lives. They mustn’t be part of our scenario.

Decisions we make must be based on our children’s needs and not because we want our children to follow a certain path, or we want them around. My parents were very lucky I didn’t rebel, that I adjusted into the life they chose for me.

Although some of my milestones weren’t available to me through damage, there were other milestones that with the right input I might have been able to achieve. Perhaps those lost and stolen opportunities will bring me comfort in time because I know they weren’t of my own doing.

I did returning to studying and have successfully completed diploma courses. It’s clear I’m not over my father’s intentions and this is something I will have to find acceptance on. Unfortunately, the past is something we all have to find an acceptance on, in one way or another.

8 Sep, 2014

6 thoughts on “Stolen opportunities

  1. Yes, acceptance is one of the hardest things to do when you realize how much your parents affected your decisions! Just because we have to accept this doesn’t mean that we have to like it, which people seem to think is what we’re supposed to do.

    So many of my decisions were based on what I thought I could do to make my parents happy when nothing I did seemed to catch their attention. I tried rebelling for all the good it did, but in the end they won and managed to break my spirit! Many times I think we would have been better off in foster care or even not having been born in the first place.

    My biggest regret is that I wasn’t the father I should have been, which still haunts me! As much as I tried to be different from my parents I turned out to be so much worse. I wasn’t there for her when she needed me and I know I robbed her of so many opportunities to have a more normal life!

    The reality is that I never learned the appropriate life skills to make the right choices in dealing with my life. If I haven’t suffered enough for my mistakes I don’t know what more it will take.

    I’m not Doctor Who so I can’t just go back and change things, as much as I would like to be able to do!

    1. Randy this isn’t your fault. Never has been. What you’ve said, ‘My biggest regret is that I wasn’t the father I should have been.’ We have to first of all understand our lives so that we can make the appropriate changes and the reason we can’t is that our unconscious thoughts (patterns we pick up from childhood often from our parents) are what we base our decisions on, but you’re trying now and that’s what counts.

      As a child I spent my life observing. Observing how not to do things and that allowed me to change things when I was old enough to change them. I was aware from a very early age. I have changed the patterns I grew up with and now make decisions based on my conscious thoughts and my intuition.

      You’re right Randy. You cannot change what’s gone with your daughter, but you can change what you do from here. You see your faults that’s half the battle. Most of us will go through our lives without question and without understanding how we can change things or that in fact we need to change things.

      Randy I believe you can change and turn things around.

  2. My parents kept me from things, but I rebelled when I was older. Of course it didn’t do any good it just made things worse especially with my mom and I. I eventually got to where I could talk to my father.

    My father was a quiet man and he worried and internalized everything which I’m sure contributed to his health problems. He once told me that he worried about me more than anything.

    I don’t know if I was to feel guilt over this or something else. I’m sure he wasn’t trying to make me feel guilty but that’s what I saw.

    1. Thanks Lisa. Yes hindsight isn’t always so great, particularly when we look back at circumstances to try to evaluate. The only way we can is by asking the questions; that way we know what the answers will be.

      From what you say about your father Lisa it sounds as though he genuinely worried about you. I wouldn’t see that as something he perhaps wanted you to feel guilty about. I know my father constantly worried about us, which is one of the reasons why he didn’t encourage us to go out and live our lives.

      In a way you were lucky that you had the foresight to rebel slightly and in some circumstances to get away with it. Had your parents encouraged you, I am sure there would have been no need. I didn’t have the personality to rebel. In my case I was too insecure and had no confidence.

  3. It sounds like your father made sure that you were not equipped through his parenting to challenge his decisions, so you behaved as he wanted rather than as you might have otherwise done. That made his life easy but very hard for you.

    None of that was of your making, so my view is there is nothing to look back at and think you could have changed it as you probably couldn’t have, without massive repercussions.

    The best thing your parents did was to show you how not to parent and you must see that as a valuable lesson, albeit one that has had consequences for you. From what you write about you’ve changed things so some good has come from that. In time I expect your thoughts and feelings will turn around.

    As Randy says, they haven’t invented time travel yet, so we can’t turn back the clock but look to the present and all you have achieved.

    1. I have more work to do on this, but for now I’m you’re right and agree with everything you’ve said. Things do come full circle eventually.

      As with everything I have had to work through over the years, I am sure I’ll work through this one too.

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