The fuller picture

It’s only when someone is no longer in our lives that we come to analyse and understand the relationship we had with that person.

It’s also only when that person is no longer in our lives that we can fully equate how our lives turned out and how in hindsight there would have been lots we would have liked to change, but know we couldn’t. Even through trying, I know what I know, nothing could or would have ever changed.

When I come to see the bigger picture with that person who is no longer in my life, I also get to see other pictures too. Relationships are intertwined, so that when we’re looking at one relationship, we’re also looking at other relationships that were part of the same scenario. It’s our job to fully understand those relationships, so that we can make informed choices on all of them together.

Looking back at my life, I find it hard to equate that I never quite knew the person I thought I knew. Being in the thick of something doesn’t give us the full insight of the situation we’re in or what we deal with. It’s only ever when we look back that we understand and see, by which time it’s often too late to change anything.

It doesn’t take away what’s been said or done by that person, or anyone else of course. Their roles will always be their roles. They’re still accountable, but it does pave the way for us to understand their roles. With any scenario playing out, it’s important to let go of what we went through in those times.

I will only ever choose to look back and own what’s mine. The anger I will own, but the anger was a consequence of living in the dark as a child, I won’t own that as it had nothing to do with me. As I got older, I got better at handling my anger, so the anger I had was channelled more. It would go on to take me until my early twenties to change that.

What happened to me isn’t easily forgotten or forgiven. It would be like saying it’s okay to live with and be around abuse and I could never say that. It is what it is, I don’t have to like or agree with it, but I must come to accept it.


17 Apr, 2017

4 thoughts on “The fuller picture

  1. I cling mentally to past relationships for reference only, although I still feel the sting from a few of them.

    But I argue that every relationship enhances our senses, no matter how obscure. We may get on the wrong train sometimes, but it’s better than hiding behind a locked door.

  2. I think you’re absolutely right Tim, but it’s not until we’re in the thick of a relationship that we come to fully understand what that relationship means.

    Not all relationships are the same, characters play a big part, but characters and how they play out aren’t always obvious to us. Sometimes we have to remove ourselves emotionally, to be able to work it out.

    I think all relationships should be a reference point to change, but first we must see the fuller picture on that. Some relationships may not need change.

  3. Yes, the hardest part is being able to accept things that we don’t always like or agree with. I always equated acceptance with just taking whatever was forced upon us, but that isn’t exactly true.

    It took me a very long time to figure out that I could accept things as they were, but it was also okay if I didn’t like it. We grew up in a world where it didn’t seem to really matter what we thought or felt so I didn’t really know the difference.

    I was forced to watch a lot of bad things happen to very good people, so we learned early on that life definitely wasn’t very fair at times. My mother pointed that out to me at a very early age by having conversations with me that no mother should ever have with their child.

    It was only once she had passed that I was able to finally see the big picture, even though I really didn’t want to. I was forced to look at things that I had spent a lifetime trying to forget, with little to no success. It finally made sense as to why I was drawn to these women who were downright nasty to me and batshit crazy, but I still tried to take care of them.

    It was a pattern that I couldn’t seem to break even though I was well aware of it, which made it even worse. Once she finally passed away, it all began to make so much more sense. I have had to really buckle down and figure out what baggage was hers and what happened to be mine, which wasn’t the mountain I believed it to be.

    I have made a lot of very bad choices in my life because my parents weren’t very good role models. They showed me what NOT to do, which I would have known if I hadn’t been stuck right in the middle of it. The most I can do now is to work harder not to keep making the same mistakes since it is okay for me to finally live my own life.

    Both of my parents had very serious issues that they never fully addressed, but that is no longer my responsibility. They can’t force me to just blindly accept what they chose to dump on their own children like I used to.

    I just want to at least be able to be comfortable in my own skin for the time I have left in my life.

  4. As you say Randy, “I have made a lot of very bad choices in my life because my parents weren’t very good role models.”

    I get that we make bad choices because we have bad role models as parents. I believe that’s partly accepted, but now that you know Randy and you’re aware of the fuller picture, you’re in a better position now to make new changes. You deserve that.

    The fuller picture gives us a step by step guide on where we can begin to make new changes. My own life with what I’ve had to deal with has taught me that. I believe yours can too.

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