Toxic behaviour

Toxic people may not inherently be bad people, but they’re clearly not the people we would want to spend our free time with. When it comes to toxic behaviour, not all toxic people are uncaring or agonising on purpose, although I can see why we think that they are, particularly if we’re the ones on the receiving end.

Toxic people can show good intentions, but their needs and way of existing in the world, will often force our hand and can compromise our happiness. As hard as that is, we must give ourselves healthy space away from them. Toxic people aren’t aware they’re toxic and that’s because they’re consciously in denial about how toxic they really are.

They don’t live or deal with themselves in the true sense, so never equate their own behaviour. Toxic behaviour is always a reflection of how we see ourselves and that reflects how we see and deal with other people. We must see and understand how toxic we have become. To rely on unconscious patterns will keep us toxic.

We need to think about things on a conscious level, from the outside looking in. Until we understand how toxic we are, or how toxic we have become, there is nothing anyone else can do. For those of us on the receiving end, toxic behaviour isn’t something we get used to or come to accept. It’s unnerving, but is something we must learn to deal with, or get out.

But there is always room for change. Toxic people can change, but they must see that they need to change and that’s part of the problem. They don’t think they need to change.


21 Oct, 2015

6 thoughts on “Toxic behaviour

  1. Toxic behavior makes people feel wrong in their own skin and it takes its toll over time. This world is riddled with toxic behavior and it often goes unchecked because of its thinly veiled disguise.

    But after a multitude of small cuts from toxic people, we usually find a way to get away.

    1. Thanks Tim. I couldn’t agree more. I tend to go with the philosophy that for every action, there is a reaction and there will always be consequences for our behaviour. Even if our behaviour goes unchecked and it’s not obvious to us, it’s usually through other people’s response that we begin to learn.

      When you’re in the thick of being around toxic people, it’s not easy to get away, as much as one might try. I agree with your comment about the world.

  2. Recently I have been dealing with a person with a toxic behavior. I needed to step away because I couldn’t reason with him and I don’t want to watch how he ruins his life with his behavior.

    I also didn’t deserve to be treated badly by him when I was just trying to help. I just hope he realises he needs to change his toxic behavior.

    1. Thanks Maria. I believe you were only trying to help Maria and think you’ve done the right thing.

      I believe people can change and often do through maturity, but further down the line. Where we fail to be able to reason with people, rather than fall out and walk away for good, it’s always good to put distance between us and them.

      Hopefully in time your friend will come to understand what you were trying to do and will come back in to talk things through. All you can do is wait.

  3. I grew up with parents who were very toxic, but couldn’t seem to comprehend how badly their lives were affecting ours. They shouldn’t have really ever had any children with the way we grew up.

    It was like having two little kids as parents who were pretending to play house when they really didn’t have any clue as how to raise children. They were always blaming each other for the problems they had when it didn’t really matter, they just needed to be dealt with.

    They forced us to deal with a lot of very toxic people so it isn’t surprising that eventually we lost the ability to discern between good and bad people! This explains so much as to why I made a lot of the choices I made, especially with relationships. I kept trying to rescue the damsel in distress when most of the time they didn’t want to be rescued, at least not by me.

    Nice guys really do finish last, because life isn’t fair, never has been and never will be! It’s very hard not to be bitter and resentful about it when you see those toxic people seeming to have such an easy time in life. The reality is that they can get away with it because they are sociopaths and lack the ability to feel badly for what they do.

    What I have finally realized and I’m trying to learn, is that I can’t change anyone else’s behavior. I can only try to change my own toxic behavior since that was the way I learned how to do things. I had to be a chameleon and act like everyone else did, even if it went against everything I believed in.

    Deep down I knew the difference between good and evil, which only made it that much harder to function with other people and in the world! I have hated myself for so long for a lot of things I did, when I was only trying to fit in.

    Maybe now I can finally live in a way that I choose to, instead of doing what makes everybody else comfortable!

    1. Thanks Randy. Some of what you write here Randy resonates with me. As long as we’re aware and you clearly are, I believe you can move this away from you.

      Unfortunately and it is my experience, toxic people unless they are aware will always live toxic lives. The good thing is that although this was your life, you are aware of how toxic your parents were and are working to change your own life.

      I agree you should live your life in a way you choose, instead of living your life for everyone else to make them feel better. You owe it to yourself to choose to live the life you’ve always wanted to live, away from those toxic tendencies.

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