Understanding & forgiveness

In our early years we can’t know or equate what our parents emotionally deal with or why we get the life we get.

We are only able to filter views through our own prism, we’re not mature enough that comes with age. But our early experiences can and do affect us deeply. If parents find it difficult to show or give love, that will always have an impact on our sense of self.

Having been given no choice but to work through my own medical records and to piece my experiences and life together around a disability I didn’t know I had, I now understand my symptoms, my experiences and my life.

And where our parents bring different things to our relationship, we eventually get to quantify their roles and the parts they play in our lives. It therefore came as no surprise for me to learn there had been a diagnosis at age 2 and for me to know where the blame lay.

But it is important that children are aware they are not responsible for what they go through, because that has a bearing on their mental health; and as my case has shown, it can leave its mark where there is no forgiveness and understanding.  Through my blog, I make it my way to understand.

And although there may be less understanding on the facts, children must know their experiences are never about them, but about their parents and how their parents chose to parent. It’s important children know it’s not that they’re not loveable, their parents couldn’t love themselves.

The minute we know that, it’s easy to feel a slight empathy and we can forgive. In my own case it became slightly more difficult because I got to have a conversation with the parent who made it crystal clear why I never got that life and that parent wasn’t the slightest bit remorseful.

27 Oct, 2018

4 thoughts on “Understanding & forgiveness

  1. I am bigger on understanding than I am on forgiveness.

    Your story has shown we don’t always have to forgive such is the severity, but I agree we do have to find a place for the words or actions that have harmed us.

    1. Agreed. Thank you. When anyone chooses not to forgive, it must be done without malicious intent and with full understanding, otherwise their non-forgiveness will just turn into spite, hate and bitterness.

  2. It was pretty simple when it came to my parents and why they did things the way they did.

    My mother was a spoiled child with the mentality of a 10 year old, who expected my father to make her happy, and when that didn’t work, she expected me to fill that role, which shouldn’t have happened.

    My dad was more concerned about making sure we didn’t end up in the foster care system because of her, when I often wonder if we would have been better off in the long run.

    I understand all too well why things went the way they did, but that doesn’t mean that I have been able to forgive them seeing as they could have done things a lot differently if they had really wanted to.

    They always blamed each other for all their problems but never admitted that they caused them.

    1. Thanks Randy. Your last paragraph resonates with me and it’s true for me too. When I look at my experiences with my parents, I can see that they did their best with where they were emotionally.

      When it comes to mental health, we cannot quantify how we think others should behave, all we can do is hope they will do right by us, and when that doesn’t happen we question it.

      From what you say, it’s different with your mum to your dad. If your mum had the mentality of a 10 year old, your life with your mum would never have been any different.

      I feel for both you and your mum, but it’s clear the responsibility lies with your dad. You have understanding now Randy, that should help you choose to forgive or not.

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