Wanting to be me

With no emotional support from either parent, I’ve had to rely on myself, so it’s nothing new that I’m still doing it. When I’m around negativity, it reinforces everything that I’ve had to deal with that was negative that I’m pleased to say I’ve managed to turn my back on.

I want just one day where I can just be me, where everything feels calm, where what I have to deal with doesn’t seem like a battle, but for that to work, everyone around me has to be able to deal with their lives in the same way.

When I look back at my life, with everything I’ve been through I know I do more than okay, but some days it doesn’t feel like I do. I still feel as though my life is one long battle.


28 Aug, 2013

6 thoughts on “Wanting to be me

  1. Wow don’t I know that feeling all too well!

    I grew up having to do it quite often and still do even when I now have others to talk to about it when things are going on. It would probably explain why I ended up in situations where I needed to be able to connect to others emotionally but was unable to do so.

    I had made choices based on what I thought others would want me to do but weren’t right for me and ended up with a crisis of faith that has haunted me for so many years. Dealing with a suicidal person who doesn’t exactly want to deal with his own life has reminded me of why I don’t deal well with people.

    My biggest dilemma has been the fact that depending on other people is the one thing I hate to do the most. Even when I was deathly ill, I would prefer to be left alone since their were always conditions put on any kind of help when I was a child, I think!

    I just find myself in the same place as you, where I wish other people would learn to take care of their own problems instead of expecting others to take care of them. I could be wrong in thinking that, but that’s my take on it.

    I feel like I have been battling for my own life since I was around 3 years old and almost died from pneumonia! What kind of parent waits that long before bringing their child to the hospital? The saddest part was that I wasn’t actually very happy to survive, considering what I had to go home to.

    Only now do I feel somewhat freer to be myself since my mother has passed and my father is disappearing from the dementia! I know this sounds terrible but they didn’t live through the childhood I had, so I can understand where you’re coming from.

    1. Thanks Randy. They lived through your childhood badly, but made the choices they made which unfortunately didn’t tie in, with putting you first emotionally.

      Sorry you had to go through your own trauma, and glad you came through the other end. I think that in itself is testament to your strong will and determination not to give in.

      Keep up the good fight Randy.

  2. Reading about your childhood makes me sad and at the same time it shows me what a strong person you are. Now I can see why you like to stay positive. It’s kind of like that saying goes “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”.

    You and Randy sound like such strong people and I admire you both for it.

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