We could never do more

It’s easy to look back and re-write history, by convincing ourselves that we could have done more to change an outcome, but from a lifetime’s experience, there’s simply no need. We did what we could at the time. Emotionally we will always beat ourselves up when we continually convince ourselves we should have done more, but instead we must tell ourselves our lives could never have been any different.

I don’t believe it’s because we didn’t understand our circumstances, or that we didn’t do the best we could in those circumstances, or that we should have done things differently. It’s only when we come to look back on what we have done, we come to realise there was nothing we could do that was different, to change the outcome and that it’s time to move on.

The reality is that the person we struggle with, is not for changing and has nothing to do with what we have or haven’t done. When we start from a place of struggle, we will always struggle.

That’s what we need to understand. It’s right that we stop beating ourselves up, quieten the mind, let go and move on. In those circumstances, there is simply nothing we could have done.


9 May, 2015

6 thoughts on “We could never do more

  1. I’ve spent most of my life wishing I could have done more or done things differently, which has only made my life impossible to live. It is only now being brought up again by a brother who seems mired in what he did for us as a family so long ago.

    He has mentioned things that I have spent most of my life trying to forget. I just have to laugh in a sense, because it’s only now that I’m opening up about the past and at the timing of his tirade. He seems to be under the impression that I chose to be the way I was as a kid, when I was brainwashed into acting in ways that still haunt me!

    I still carry so much guilt, shame and remorse which 90% of it isn’t even mine. My parents piled so much baggage on me from mistakes they made and didn’t even have a clue as to how that made me feel. They spent most of my childhood constantly pointing out that they should have done things differently, which meant that I would have never been born.

    Considering what I went through, I often think that would been the better option! People like my brother really don’t need to remind me of what I didn’t do when I was just a kid. Most parents don’t force their children to make adult decisions when they don’t have the wisdom and maturity to do so.

    I spend every day running scenarios through my mind of how I could have done things differently, when the reality is that I can’t change the past. I’m not Doctor Who with a time machine and the ability to go back into the past.

    My biggest wish at this point is to be able to make peace with myself and learn how to finally live, not just survive!

    1. All of what you write Randy isn’t yours to own or feel guilty or ashamed about. The sins of the parents come to mind. As siblings you and your brother will have faired differently, but both will have had your own axe to bear. It’s a shame your brother cannot see what you clearly see.

      As siblings we see our childhoods very differently, even though we were brought up in the same environment. On reflection and when you look back you will see that you couldn’t change any of your childhood in the same way that when I look back I know I couldn’t. We’re not equipped.

      Siblings will only see what they can see for themselves. From the outside looking in Randy, you were both victims at the hands of your parents, but in different ways. It would be lovely if your brother could see that instead of reminding you how you were as a child and pinning that responsibility on you. It’s really not helpful.

      If you could have changed anything you would have. No child should have to make adult decisions, but try not to feel guilt or be ashamed. This responsibility is for your parents, not for you. It doesn’t matter if they’re not around, just put your thoughts out to the universe. They will hear.

  2. I sometimes look back and regret not doing things differently, or saying things when i could have and wonder how different things would be now.

    I know this isn’t really helpful, especially when I beat myself up over things that if I’m honest I know I probably couldn’t change. This is something Im working on, but it’s definitely a work in progress.

    1. I’m sure we’ve all done what you’ve done, but a work in progress is good. I know I have. It took me a while to understand how to let go.

      I believe though that when we can rationale our experiences, we do come to understand and let go, but we have to take other things out of the equation. What often holds us back is the injustice, not being able to say anything to the person about the injustice and them not taking responsibility.

  3. Sometimes when I visit the past I can feel its life. Perhaps we can actually change our perception of the past if we read it carefully and listened to it.

    But if we had the ability to tamper with the past, I wonder how dangerous that would be.

    1. I think tampering with anything can be dangerous. Personally I wouldn’t want to tamper with the past.

      My personal view is that if anyone else is responsible for our experiences, we recognise those experiences as they happen, so we’re in a position to do something about it if we choose to.

      We must try to recall them as they happen, but our perceptions may differ, depending on what we’re capable of seeing or what we want to take from those experiences.

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