We miss the signs

Since my autism diagnosis was confirmed on the 11th January, I have been thinking about my experiences more. I believe that with or without autism it is important we question our thinking around our experiences so that we have an understanding.

In a way I find it easy because I work with black and white scenarios. Something either works or it doesn’t, someone is kind or they’re not, they want to help me, or they don’t. The grey area is the area where I can’t find a resolve or understanding on a situation.

Although that would be straight forward to a non-autism brain, with autism it can bring about anxiety, where we literally can’t see the wood for the trees. We know what we’re told, but we don’t understand and find it difficult to pay attention to what’s being said or what that means.

We trust others will have our backs, but those we trust will sometimes have their own agenda depending on what their unconscious struggles are. It’s only when we look back on our experiences and how an outcome worked out that we will understand our experiences.

Until I began to question my experiences, and found a way to understand what my experiences meant, I continually missed the signs and re-read situations differently. I guess as a child not knowing I had a disability and trying to fit in, I was happy to accept others had my back. Looking back that was the catalyst to all my problems.

Since the start of my cerebral palsy and autism journey, through my diary I have managed to compartmentalise my experiences and what they all mean. It is important that through our experiences we look more closely at the outcomes and make our minds up about those who have played their part in our lives.


16 Jan, 2019

4 thoughts on “We miss the signs

  1. Missing the signs would make a great title for a book I should write, seeing as I have missed so many of them in my lifetime.

    Looking back, it makes perfect sense, as I was brainwashed with so many mixed messages as a kid that I didn’t know what was good or bad, or right or wrong.

    My mother would be preaching about one thing or another, but totally contradicting herself at other times and my dad would be oblivious and telling us how crazy she was.

    It was like living in the tv series ‘Shameless’ where the chaos and insanity was supposed to be a normal thing when there really wasn’t any need for it.

    I’m only just now at the age of 50 years, trying to figure out the differences and realize that it is okay for me to think my own thoughts and believe in what I want to believe in.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, back then you couldn’t change anything, but you’re not in that place anymore. It’s up to you now how you change your life.

      I didn’t get my life either. I think that was part of the problem and why I also missed the signs. Fast forward to where we are now, it’s easy to look back and understand our life.

      You always eloquently talk about your experiences. But rather than stay stuck in those times it’s important to move on.

  2. You seem to have conquered the gray areas on your own, standing face to face with autism and everything else.

    You have confronted your personal monsters well Ilana, remember that.

    1. Thanks Tim. That’s kind. When you put it like that, I have and you’re right, but because I have so many things that I continually have to deal with, I lose sight of how far I’ve come.

      Truthfully, the more others are accepting of those of us with autism, the easier people like me will adapt into what we have to deal with.

      I tend to take a lot of steps back in those moments when the acceptance isn’t there. I’ve had many years of non-acceptance.

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