When other people choose to control and make their problems about us, without stopping to question their actions, after a while we may begin to think it’s us. It must be something we’re doing for others to behave in that way.
Having lived my life in the shadow of others controlling and making decisions for me and making their problems mine, that is exactly how it goes. In time, if it’s not something we see, understand or reconcile, we can start to feel resentful. Unfortunately, it’s not a problem easy remedied or one that others will recognise in themselves.
In this situation, it’s important we take control and let go of allowing ourselves to be controlled, or blamed. Working the control thing is hard. Unless we’re constantly engaging in a conscious understanding of what is being presented to us, it’s not always easy to see that’s what it is, but in order to recognise the patterns, we must be and stay consciously aware.
In the early stages of control, we won’t always be aware that we are being controlled, or that we’re allowing it to happen, but when our thoughts are continually being micromanaged in what we say, what we think and how we act, then we know we’re being controlled.
As children, we allow others to control us when we don’t have the option to make our own choices. But control goes deeper than that. When someone chooses to control, they do so through their own insecurities, preventing us from making independent decisions. Insecure people will always try to exact a positive sense of self from other people, because they find it difficult to do it for themselves.
On our part, and I’m guilty of this too, we unconsciously allow ourselves to be manipulated into others indulging us in their controlling ways. We put up with control, either because it’s all we’ve known, we’re too scared to retaliate, or retaliation doesn’t work. Control is a psychological attachment, which is impossible to break.
In almost all cases, the death of a person is what breaks the cycle. What we need to understand is that their behaviour was never about us. When we can see that their issues aren’t about us but them, it becomes easier to distance the thoughts that go with how we feel. It then becomes easier to let go of the resentment.