Why I am uniquely different

Knowing what makes me, me is cathartic and it vindicates me. I’m okay that I know everything about cerebral palsy and my neurological symptoms that needed to happen, but I’m not okay with how long it has taken me to get to this stage.

Whilst we all have multiple intelligence, strengths and weakness in different areas, people on the autism spectrum will have extremes. They will be particularly skilled in one way in seeing the world and will be dreadful in others.

Some will think in pictures, others will think in mathematical patterns; I think in words. My mind forms word patterns that create thoughts. When I’m stuck on a thought, I struggle to clear it. I then have to find an answer to move it on and that’s where the difficulty is. Also, because my emotions are damaged I live with anxiety and can carry thoughts that could harm me for days.

I am excellent at remembering conversations that took place decades ago. I think and talk in a linear way. My thought processes are broken down into bite size pieces, so instead of going from A to B, I’ll go from A to Z and back to B via lots of other letters, often out of order.

Because my conversations are extremely detailed, I come across as a perfectionist, but that isn’t the case because I deal with anxiety if I cannot get all my thoughts out. I tend to have to ‘clear the decks.’ I’m not a perfectionist because in everyday life I struggle to function with everyday tasks. I tend to go at snails pace, which annoys everyone else.

When it comes to detailed conversations, I always need clearer clarification on the detail. I tend to have to ask the other person to repeat the conversation, or simplify it. Other times, I don’t recall what’s being said, or even remember having the conversation and that gets me into trouble.

I am also literal thinker, which means I don’t understand jokes, or sarcasm. That’s particularly difficult when someone expects me to get a joke and they look at me, as if I’m stupid. I see things in black and white. Things are either right or they’re wrong.

I am often misunderstood for how I present and that often meets with a lack of tolerance, patience and argument. If I was to have one wish it would be for people to learn about the symptoms of autism, because then their perceptions and attitudes would change.

10 Oct, 2018

2 thoughts on “Why I am uniquely different

  1. Your story shows many sides of the human condition, ranging from good to bad and all shades in between.

    I think this blog is a watershed moment for you. Now that you have your diagnosis that part of your jigsaw is complete.

    The healing part will take a while but with an understanding from those around you, you will face this with support and a better comprehension.

    1. Thank you. Yes, it’s bitter sweet. What I have found out is tinged with sadness and pain of how I got to this place.

      Children would rather have have less material worth, and have all the emotional support they need. I had neither and still had to deal with a disability I didn’t know I had.

      I’ve had to work through everything myself. It’s taken me over 5 decades to complete the puzzle. I have learned everything about my experiences and myself through my blog and have an all-round understanding.

      There was a time I thought I’d never find out. I didn’t want to imagine the imaginable, but that was my reality. I am now thankful I had the foresight to push forward, but how I got to this place is bitter sweet.

      I am grateful for what I have managed to achieve not only through my understanding, but what I have achieved through my blog.

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