Working blindly

It wasn’t just living in the dark, yes there was that, but it’s others thinking it was okay to leave me in the dark that I struggle with the most, that and having to work through a blinder for all these years, until I found out my diagnosis.

So many memories but my biggest memory was finding out I was pregnant for the first time and having no idea about my disability, or how things would work out around my pregnancy and disability.

I had already been to see a specialist about my disability to see whether he thought having cerebral palsy would interfere with having children.

I hated looking at my leg and foot, I hated exposing my disability to total strangers. I’d been doing since I was 3 years old. Had I have known about my disability at the time I was due to give birth, I could have explained. I wanted the nursing staff to know.

I was conscious of my physical issues throughout my pregnancy, not knowing how I might cope around my disability, made it even more difficult. Everyone has a right to know what they deal with, so they feel comfortable and so they have control over how they handle their particular situation.

I knew that giving birth was too important for me to hone-in on my disability and make my disability the issue, so I blocked it out. Now I can’t believe I went through the experience of pregnancy, not knowing.

It horrifies me to think about it. I am also irritated by the fact that others knew and still they watched me go through two pregnancies, not knowing.


16 Aug, 2019

2 thoughts on “Working blindly

  1. Yes, definitely the worst part was not having anybody there to help you figure things out, since they acted like you didn’t have any problems.

    It is trying to live with blinders on, which I feel like I have been doing my whole life. This is what I mean when I say that we were thrown to the wolves as kids, and just expected to know how to survive.

    What kind of parents do this to their own children? It just boggles my mind, especially when others talk about how great their parents were. I can’t relate. They had parents who were supportive and explained things to them.

    I’m now 51 years old, and starting to think that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and don’t feel so much like it’s actually the train that’s going to hit me.

    I’m sure that is why we have connected so strongly, seeing as we both grew up in environments where people treated us like nothing was wrong with us, but quite obviously there was.

    All I wanted from life was to be a better parent, than they were to me and I ended up becoming worse due to not dealing with my issues.

    I have to live with the mistakes that I have made and find a way to move on which I feel like I can do with the help and support of amazing people like you.

    I want to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin, even with the decisions I’ve made.

    1. Thanks Randy. Yes, you were expected to survive on your own despite no help. I’m proud of you, proud of both of us.

      It takes courage and determination to be able to succeed against the odds and still come out smiling, even though we know what’s been done to us. But no matter how hard it’s been, I have always looked to understand rather than judge.

      I feel it is time to stop blaming yourself for your mistakes. The more you put what has happened to you on you, the more mistakes you will continue to make. Others must understand.

      You struggled with your circumstances around your parents and with no support with what you had to deal with, you couldn’t help your daughter. That’s not the same as not wanting to help your daughter. It doesn’t make you a bad person. If you could have done things differently you would.

      It was up to your parents to give you the tools, so you could do the same for your daughter. Your daughter needs to know the circumstances, so she can understand and choose not to judge.

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