Working on myself

There is no getting away from the fact that I have to continually work back to try to understand how I present through the neurological impairments I was born with. I lived in a world of my own for many years, so that I could work on myself to try to make sense of my symptoms and so I could understand how I presented.

When it comes to disability, it is not only important for us to understand ourselves, but for others to understand us also, so that those others will come in with a more empathetic stance on what we deal with. There are those who sadly think they know what we deal with, more than we know what we deal with ourselves.

When it comes to a disability that happens at birth, the facts are there even if the information or knowledge isn’t. In my own case, for 9 years since my diagnosis, I have made it my mission to understand my symptoms so that I can finally understand myself and how I present.

There were moments where I thought it better I didn’t know. But looking back not knowing has brought about more frustration and anger issues that I’ve had to deal with. If know that if I had my time again, I would still want to know. It makes it harder of course, knowing there was a diagnosis at the age of 3 and I was 46 when I found out.

I am now less frustrated and more resigned to what I know about my symptoms and for me that’s another box ticked.

16 May, 2018

6 thoughts on “Working on myself

  1. Yes, it would have been nice to know exactly what my issues were when I was younger, rather than having to suffer for most of my life, thinking that I was actually crazy and really stupid.

    It didn’t make a lot of sense to me why I kept doing the same things over and over again, but since I have stepped back to really look at myself, it actually makes a lot of sense.

    ‘You live what you know’ is what comes to mind, seeing as when you have lived a certain way all of your life, you really don’t know any other way.

    It does certainly explain why I have ended up in the same type of relationships repeatedly, but just with different women. I had the chance to do things differently with a beautiful woman who I could have been happy with, but I allowed my daughter’s impression of her and my own extreme fear of change to convince me otherwise.

    Now I know that, I need to finally work on myself even if others don’t approve, since that was what kept me from doing so all along.

    My biggest downfall has been that I have had the bad habit of trusting the wrong people, more than likely because I was forced to as a child and lost the ability to tell the difference.

    People have told me that they really understood what I was going through and actually wanted to help me out, when in reality they were only going to use and abuse me for their own twisted reasons.

    I have to work on taking off those rose colored glasses that my parents forced me to wear and trust my instincts which are usually right 99% of the time.

    I now know exactly what it is that I need to focus on first, myself, so I will be better able to handle other people’s problems like the situation with my daughter.

    1. Thanks Randy. Well, you’re not going crazy and you’re far from stupid. You’ve just got caught up in a spiral of behaviour from your parents, which you need to move away from.

      You’ve got all the pieces to the jigsaw there. You’ve just got to put the pieces together, unlearn what you know and relearn a new set of behaviour. We’ve probably all been there.

      That must start with your personal life, your environment and those you choose to share your life with. Until those aspects of your life change, nothing else will sadly change.

      It’s us who must change and once we do that, everything else will fall into place.

  2. Just between us, The CP Diary family, you’re covered in glory. The way you answer doors for those in need, while simultaneously working on yourself.

    You seem to have a nose for that kind of thing.

    1. Thanks Tim. That’s so kind. I have my problems like everyone else. Although my experiences and beliefs have brought me to this place with my Diary, innately I have always been like this.

      I believe we’re all on this journey together. I don’t see myself as being any different to anyone else. We’re all the same underneath. We just present with a different set of problems and my Diary helps with that.

  3. By working on yourself, you’re endlessly working on us and we should all be thankful for the help that gives us.

Leave a Reply to Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Order my new book

Ilana x