Capable of change

As parents, we worry when our children hook up with the ‘wrong’ people: the same thing happened to a friend’s son. My friend was concerned about his son’s friend and the influence he had on his son and spent years trying to split them up.

It was clear he wasn’t emotionally coping. Fast forward and a few years on, with work on himself, this boy turned his life around to became a model adult. Years later, when my friend bumped into him, his appearance and demeanour had changed so much he didn’t recognise him.

Not everyone will put their ‘house in order.’ Fixing our lives is painful, it’s difficult sometimes, it requires radical changes from us in how we choose to spend our energy. Some of us will look for help and do nothing, others may look for help because it makes them feel better, but may still find it difficult to put that help into practice.

Admitting to something may seem easy, it also depends on what we’re admitting to. Where our values have become destructive and we repeat bad habits, it’s not something we will admit to, but it will be clear to others, we’ve lost ourselves and we must find our way back.

The moral to the story is that whilst we’re not all born into a life where everything we touch turns to gold, we must all look at people’s circumstances, rather than judge and write them off. We are all capable of change.


11 Jun, 2019

4 thoughts on “Capable of change

  1. Once again I’m having to rewrite my comment after touching the wrong button, which tells me I need to make the change from this annoying tablet to a computer, so this doesn’t keep happening!

    One thing I have learned over the years, is that people won’t change unless they really want to, even when they absolutely need to. I have watched countless people, myself included, make the same mistakes over and over again and still keep expecting things to turn out differently.

    Einstein said that it was the definition of insanity, and I have come to believe it’s true. It has taken me far too long to figure it out.

    Painful is putting it mildly when it comes to making changes, which is why so many people avoid having to do it, even when it’s in their own best interests.

    I lost myself a long time ago by trying to avoid my pain, in order to appease my daughter’s mother which ended badly for me. It is the one thing that I wish I could change, but that isn’t possible now.

    Since last year, my daughter refuses to speak to me, thanks to her getting the wrong impression of me just wanting to help her. I didn’t make the changes that I needed to make in time to avoid this. It’s something that is breaking my heart, but I have to live with it.

    She hasn’t had much life experience so she can’t even begin to comprehend what I went through to save her from her mother who was trying to brainwash her into being a surrogate wife for her husband.

    My point being that I forced her to make changes in her life that she didn’t know how to change, and she has hated me for it ever since.

    She got the impression from others that I wanted to control her life and her money, which was the last thing on my mind. I just wanted to help her.

    People now keep telling me that I need to reach out to her, but the one big change I have made in my life, is that I now refuse to be treated badly by anyone, even my own daughter.

    I was forced to accept that kind of treatment as a child by my parents, but I will no longer tolerate it. The reality is that I’m the only one who can really change my behaviors and I’m done holding my breath waiting for other people to change, especially when they don’t want to, even when they need to.

    1. Thanks Randy. It is difficult when you know in your heart all you’ve ever tried to do for your daughter is help, but where you’re on your daughter’s side you have someone else pulling at the heart strings the other end, against the good you’re trying to do.

      You’ve done the right thing walking away whilst that’s still happening. No good will come from this until something happens and your daughter, begins to question what is happening away from you.

      That said, I do think your daughter is capable of change. But whilst she’s in the thick of it, you’re not going to see much change.

      Sometimes it’s just a case of someone waking up by themselves, when they begin to question the motives of those around them. Other times something big happens, something completely out of their control, and then they dig deep.

      For now, I would get on with your life and continue to work on yourself, so that if and when your daughter ‘gets her life’ you are prepared to offer her that ‘olive branch.’

      I find it sad and irritating when certain family do this to other family members. In a life, that is already short and difficult, this behaviour is petty.

      Children should never be used and have to come between their parents. I hope this sorts itself out soon Randy. Good luck.

  2. I believe we can change if we see the need too change.

    As Randy says we won’t change unless we really want to and there is something very sad about seeing the need for change on someone who either knows that need to change, but refuses to, or just fails to acknowledge there is a need in the first place.

    I knew I had heard a great quote about change on TV recently and having just Googled it, it was a quote from Doctor Who:

    “We’re all capable of the most incredible change. We can evolve while still staying true to who we are. We can honour who we’ve been and choose who we want to be next.”

    I know Dr Who has the good fortune of being a time traveller and comes back in different guises, but nonetheless that quote sums it up nicely.

  3. Thanks. Yes, it’s a great quote. I agree, we are all capable of the most incredible change, but we have to want to choose who we want to be next.

    It really is amazing where change takes you. Perhaps that’s what we must hone in on. Through the other side of change there are truly great opportunities.

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