Dealing with abandonment

I’m not sure anyone consciously chooses to abandon someone. The feelings of abandonment often weigh heavy on my mind. When I think about abandonment in those terms, it feels heavy, scary, big, unreal and feels unloved.

So how do we get past those feelings of abandonment?

Firstly, we must cut the emotional cord to those people who could have done more, but did very little and instead begin a journey of self-discovery, starting with self-validation.

Self-validation

Is when we acknowledge and accept ourselves. Acknowledging that we exist, acknowledging how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about being abandoned, recognising that fact; acknowledging the severity of the emotional scars we have sustained; that those scars even exist. We must learn to validate our scars and in doing so, continue to validate ourselves.

Take responsibility

We must take responsibility for our own recovery. Even though it happened to us by someone else, we’re responsible for ourselves. No one else can heal us, but we can take responsibility and heal ourselves.

Take control

We must learn to take control of the pain that we feel. Give ourselves time to work through abandonment. We must actively build in daily activities that will sustain us in the longer term. Include support groups, friends and family we can talk to and trust, a therapist who will help us piece some of those feelings together and who will also teach us how to use validation.

Be constructive

We must learn how to transform the pain that we feel into personal and spiritual growth. Although we live with pain from our past, we don’t have to like it or live with it. We can learn to challenge how we feel and turn those feelings into positive actions. By bringing those feelings into our conscious mind, we can determine whether we need to carry those feelings.

Choose to stand on your own two feet

We all have it in us to become emotionally self-reliant. When we have something that we deal with has the potential to take us out of our comfort zone, we can learn to stand on our own two feet. I believe we will learn very little when we cruise and aren’t challenged.

Through self-validation we overcome the fears we associate with abandonment. We must choose to understand and then move on from it, so that we live more in the present. We must take back control and be in control.

We have the power to turn feelings of abandonment into positive personal growth, although sometimes it may feel as though we can’t. I know we can.


6 Nov, 2015

4 thoughts on “Dealing with abandonment

  1. It must have been harder for you being abandoned, considering you had physical and emotional difficulties to deal with that were completely overlooked. Your blog today is evidence of the great extent to which you have turned this around positively.

    Looking back I was pretty much abandoned as a child, as I have no recollection of any parental input whatsoever. I don’t think this is my memory playing tricks. I genuinely think my father was busy working in the family business and he left parenting to my mother, who had two other children to raise and couldn’t cope with my ‘enthusiasm’.

    As a result I am not emotionally tied to any of my family members and have to make a real effort to ‘do the right thing’ by them. That was one lesson I was not prepared to repeat with my own children so in that respect it was a positive experience.

    It also made me independent very early on, which has had both advantages and disadvantages.

    1. Thank you. Yes there will always be consequences from any negative experiences.The key is to make sure we deal with those consequences, so that we turn any new experiences into positive ones, not only for ourselves, but for our children.

      Writing in the way I do helps me come to terms with and brings new understanding into the equation and into my life. As you have confirmed in your response here, not repeating a negative experience, allows us to make more positive experiences. I agree with that.

  2. This is a subject that’s always hard to deal with for me. I’ve had to deal with the abandonment most of my life so that’s probably why I don’t have a lot of friends!

    It has been so hard to connect with people because I’ve had so many in my life, coming in and out constantly. My parents pretty much left me feeling abandoned, because they were there physically but not mentally most of the time. When you get used to not having anyone to depend on, you get to the point where you lose the ability to really ask for help nor do you really want to.

    Now at this time I have to deal with taking care of my own life, because no one else is going to do it for me. I was forced to depend on people who weren’t very dependable and didn’t really learn how to do things on my own. I had no sense of independence, or the ability to make my own choices, which makes it very hard to live normally.

    I compare it to an animal who has been in a cage all it’s life who won’t leave it, even when the door is wide open because in its mind it can’t grasp the concept of freedom. People think we choose to be this way which is so far from the case!

    This subject actually causes such an emotional turmoil in me that I find it very difficult to write about. I have to battle not only everything I ever learned, but even more so myself in dealing with my abandonment issues.

    I have to accept that I’m not a little kid who has to wait for help from people who will never be there to help me. I’ll have to try to follow the suggestions you posted, since I have such a hard time focusing on doing what it is that I need to do. (You should be able to tell by this long rambling post!)

    It’s going to be an incredibly painful process, but it needs to be done!

  3. Yes you’re right Randy. Dealing with being abandoned is an incredibly painful process, but one that needs to be done if we’re to come through happier and more balanced, given what we’ve had to deal with.

    Although it’s not easy it can be done. No one chooses to live their lives like this, I understand how you feel about that, but as you say it’s a matter of finding an acceptance so that you can help yourself overcome the trauma attached to being abandoned.

    Those who have let you down were never equipped to help you in the first place. That’s the sad reality. If it weren’t I think your life will have worked out differently, I’m sure.

    Once we are able to accept that fact, we can then find a way to help ourselves focus on what it is we need to do, to work things out.

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