Family feuds & apologies

Family feuds are toxic, usually based on an issue that escalates and gets bigger from very little, or through a history of issues brought about through a parent or sibling. Anything and everything that brings the family to a complete halt.

Sadly, falling out seems to be common within families. But any family feud is complicated to handle and unpleasant and can leave family members feeling sick to the stomach, unless you’re thinking another family member is to blame.

Sadly, that’s not always the case. We all contribute to family rifts. It’s the nature of how family work; by us sometimes taking sides when we shouldn’t, or by not taking sides at all and we’re expected to, or digging our heels in where we should be looking to compromise, or failing to support those who need help.

Anything and everything that can trigger intense emotional responses from us that continue well into adult behaviour and life, into our other relationships and through the generations. But disagreements, arguments, even fall-outs all cause pain that will continue to emotionally harm us, if not handled or nipped in the bud.

It’s important that we don’t make assumptions that we’re not to blame and someone else is and instead look at the bigger picture to see how we can help dissipate tension. The sad reality is that where we fail to acknowledge our part in any family disagreement, we will emotionally fail to get on with life well.

We emotionally carry arguments with us whether we think we do or not. Arguments don’t dissipate, they just stay on the back-burner until something happens and we don’t cope, when all it would take is some mediation and a sorry.

20 Mar, 2018

2 thoughts on “Family feuds & apologies

  1. Yes, an apology would have been nice from my parents and I’m painfully aware of what my part was in some of the family feuds we had when we were kids.

    My mother expected me to always be on her side, even when I knew that she was wrong, like when we barely had any food to eat even while she had money in her purse.

    This was just very typical of the feuds that we would end up having, which were pretty ridiculous seeing as she would rather have us all suffer, than to step in and make sure that we weren’t going hungry, rather than do it just to spite my father.

    This is one of the hardest parts to live with as far as knowing I could have just spoken up to make things better, but she forced me to remain silent. It is exactly why I have had such a hard time speaking up for myself and others for most of my life.

    Now it’s simply a matter of breaking down those walls and learning that it is finally okay for me to speak out, since both of my parents are dead and can’t make us feel guilty for telling the truth.

    My daughter has expected me to share about more of the family history, but the few times that I really have with her have blown her mind, since she can’t comprehend that parents would actually do these things to their own children.

    She hasn’t ever had to experience a lot of these things since her mother kept her insulated from the real world, in far too many ways. In some ways that was a good thing, but she also missed out on a lot of the good things in life like friendships and relationships that would have been good for her too.

    I know that making my amends to my daughter will be to help her make it out into the world, so that she can be happy, in spite of the family history that has dragged us down for so many generations.

    1. Thanks Randy. I tend to go with ‘where you don’t expect you will never be disappointed.’ I gave up expecting a long time ago, but it took me too long to understand the concept.

      There is no excuse for any parent doing something to spite the other parent and particularly where children become embroiled in their wars that is inexcusable and unforgivable. You sadly cannot change your experiences but you can change things for you and your daughter.

      Perhaps your daughter needs to keep hearing what her grandparents have done. You talking to her isn’t a malicious move, all you’re doing is stating the facts of what they’ve done. It will then be up to your daughter to form her own opinions, but your name will be clear.

      This isn’t something you could stop either. Don’t blame yourself as if there was something you could do. You weren’t old enough and even if you had have tried you wouldn’t have been listened to.

      An apology is only as good as the person giving it to us. Maybe it’s better you didn’t get one Randy. If it wasn’t going to be a hollow apology there would probably be no point in having one.

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