Family flaws

There are many different families, in the same way there are people that are different. Perhaps that’s what makes us flawed? It seems to be the nature of how some families work. How some families see themselves, how they see each other and how they interact with each other, or not as the case may be.

It has long been assumed that people who grow up in good families with loving parents will turn out to be good, just as it’s assumed that children who grow up in bad families will turn out to be bad. Children who come from bad families won’t always turn out to be bad, in the same way children who come from good families, won’t turn out to be good. Other factors will always come into play.

The reality is that there are no guarantees on how we turn out. There is no set pattern in families that determines how we will turn out. Our identities and future are not always predetermined by our families, although with the right support and foundations in place, we have a head start.

Many children who have grown up in difficult families often turn out to be kind and conciliatory adults. Just because we start off one way, doesn’t mean we will continue or end in the same way. There is no set rule as to how we will turn out. It is up to us to change at any given time.

We may start off following patterns, family traits that constantly get played out in families, but from my own experience, both consciously and unconsciously, we get to re-write our own lives.


17 Jan, 2016

4 thoughts on “Family flaws

  1. I used to think my family was somehow better, more resilient than other families in a traditional sense. I thought we were above the fray and way far from dysfunctional. But my family flaws were obvious from the very beginning; what I saw wasn’t exactly what I was seeing.

    But no matter how our families turn out, we need to tell them what we love about them, understand their flaws and apologize for ours.

    1. Thanks Tim. Gosh this is a difficult one. Perhaps it depends on the family, their flaws and how dysfunctional the family are.

      We’re bound to have flaws, after all we’re only human, but being dysfunctional is slightly different and goes beyond being unable to deal with adequate normal social relations and can be quite damaging if not brought under control.

      I believe it’s important for all of us to be tolerant of each other, with or without our flaws, to understand each other, but flaws are often brought about through family traits and are often passed on to us through our parents.

      I believe it’s important we try to change some of these traits for our own children and if they do go on to inherit our flaws or dysfunctional traits, then yes I agree we should apologise.

  2. I recognised my family flaws from a very early age, maybe around 8.

    I would spend lost of time at friends’ houses, but wouldn’t invite them back to mine. My grandma lived with us after my grandfather died and that changed the family dynamics; not that it was so great beforehand.

    Interestingly, the resultant dysfunctional behaviour has prevailed to this day and I feel quite detached from my extended family.

    I try to see it in a different light and I know I should be more patient and understanding, but it’s hard.

    1. Unfortunately nothing changes until we change it. I think it’s hard for any child to have to deal with dysfunctional behaviour. I’m not sure how many children regonise or equate those symptoms early on.

      I can understand your reluctance, but commend you for trying to see your family scenario in a different light. From my own experience, the nature of families is such that nothing really changes.

      The family dynamics tends to stay the same throughout. That said, it’s something we may see (like you saw and understood) and recognise when we look back.

      Nothing ever changes, unless we want to make the effort and change.

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